French (And Other) Ethiopian Adoption Connections

Great partnerships are developing among adult Ethiopian adoptees, and between them and their allies. This one is about efforts to help adult adoptees travel back to Ethiopia.

If you are not following Les Adoptes D’Ethopie, a public Facebook group for Ethiopian adoptees raised in France, you might have missed this bit of news, posted by Annette-Kassaye. Annette is an Ethiopian adoptee, raised in Montreal, Canada. She learned to speak both English and French, and now participates in Les Adoptes D’Ethiopie. Annette is a good friend of my daughter Aselefech Evans, whose blog EthioAmerican Daughter recently featured (in English and French) the story of Yared, a French adoptee. Annette and Aselefech are co-founders of Ethiopian Adoptees of the Diaspora (EAD), a global group for adult Ethiopian adoptees only. There is also a public EAD page open to anyone here.

D’accord. Here is Annette’s recent post on Les Adoptes Ethiopie:

“Bonjour tout le monde,
Moi, Aselefech Evans, Maureen McCauley Evans allons travailler sur un projet qui faciliterait le retour en Éthiopie pour les adoptés.

Chaque semaine (ou plusieurs fois par semaine), je suis étonnée de voir autant d’adoptés exprimer leurs désire de retourner et aussi leurs craintes et réticence d’y aller seule, avec leurs parents adoptifs ou avec leurs assos. C’est fou que nous travaillons tous dans nos petits coins quand qu’on pourrait faire quelque chose de grand qui faciliterait la vie de tout le monde, autant nous, nos parents et les jeunes adoptes et les futurs adoptés qui désiront retourner un jour pour connaitre leurs origine. Bref…. je vous tiendrai au courant de ce projet, je pense qu’il y a un grand besoin. <3”

And now, an automatically generated translation in English:

Re – hello everyone,

“Aselefech Evans, Maureen McCauley Evans, and I are working on a project that would facilitate the return to Ethiopia for adoptees.

Each week (or several times per week ), I am surprised to see so many adoptees express their desire to return and also their fears and reluctance to go alone, or with their adoptive parents or with their associates. It’s crazy that we are all working in our small corners when we could do something big that would facilitate the life of everyone, just as we, our parents and young people adopted. And the future adoptees that would like to return one day to know their origins. In short…. I will keep you informed of this project. I think there is a great need. ≺3”

Aselefech, Annette, and I have been talking about this for a while. The project is in very early stages, and the focus is this:

Many Ethiopian adult adoptees would like to return to Ethiopia but struggle with the expense. Some may not have been back since they left Ethiopia as small children.

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Photo taken by Maureen Evans August 2014 Ethiopia

Some adult adoptees do not want to travel with their adoptive parents. Some adoptive parents do not want to travel to Ethiopia, and will not or cannot assist their children in traveling. Some adult adoptees would like to travel back alone, some with other adoptees, some with their partners, spouses, or friends.

Some would like assistance and support (not necessarily financial) in the arrangements for travel in Ethiopia. This would mean the usual items such as hotel/guest houses, meals, translators, tour guides, drivers, etc., but also resources in Ethiopia that are specific to adopted persons, such as adoption-competent social workers and translators with fluency in multiple languages. Connecting with other adoptees who have traveled and searched for birth family would also be important.

Some adoptees are interested in searching and spending time with their birth families. Some have not been able to locate birth family members. Some would like to participate in projects to help Ethiopia (literacy, clean water, health care, etc.) while they are visiting.

Models for this undertaking exist in Korea, where adult adoptees have been very active. KoRoot and GOA’L provide wonderful, established models of adoptee-led organizations designed to support adoptees traveling to their country of birth.

We hope, of course, to see the services envisioned in Ethiopia extended to Ethiopian birth/first families, such as translators and adoption-competent social workers.

One effort already up and successfully running is Ethiopian Adoption Connection (EAC), a database in which Ethiopian families can enter information about children they have placed for adoption, in an effort to locate them. Adoptive families and adopted individuals can enter their information as well, and already there have been several matches. The site is in English and Amharic.

Currently, an Ethiopian first/birth family is looking for news about a boy adopted at age 7 in 2007 from the Kembata Tembaro area, possibly to the US or Italy. Information is available here. Please share this with others, and take a look at all the entries on the EAC page.

EAC has a lot of helpful information, including online groups for adoptive families and adoptees, as well as this master’s thesis on Ethiopian birth/first mothers’ experiences.

Some 13,000 Ethiopian children have been adopted to the United States. Thousands more have been adopted to Canada, western Europe, and Australia. While most are still minors, many are adults. Some are turning their hearts, eyes, and feet toward their country of birth. Let’s join them on the journey.

Ethiopian Birth Mothers After Relinquishment: MSW Research from Addis Ababa University

Adoption agency staff and social workers, prospective and current adoptive parents of Ethiopian children: Nothing should shock you in this research. It may break your heart a bit. I hope it will bring us closer to meeting the realities of Ethiopian birth mothers, and birth families.

Written as a thesis by Kalkidan Alelign, an Ethiopian graduate student for a Master’s Degree in Social Work at Addis Ababa University, “Birth Mothers’ Experience After Relinquishment” is an anomaly of sorts. It appears to be one of only two academic papers that look at what happens to Ethiopian birth mothers after they place their children. I’ll discuss the other in my next post on this subject. My thanks to Themia Sica for first posting the link in a Facebook adoptive parent group. Kalkidan is now vice president of Ethiopian Adoption Connection, also known as Betesab Felega. They do remarkable, valuable work reuniting Ethiopian adoptees and their families.

To say there is a need to provide post-adoption counseling to Ethiopian birth mothers is a laughable understatement. Agencies: are you listening, especially if you are looking at moving to new countries to place children? Please do not abandon the first families.

The writer of the thesis, Kalkidan Alelign, defines adoption as the separation of mothers and their children as a result of relinquishment.

The thesis itself is typical in that half of it is the question/objective, the literature review, and the research method. It’s around Chapter 4, “Findings,” that the objective academic language delves into the lives of 5 birth mothers: Fikirte, Hayat, Hewan, Nina, and Selam. The names are not real. The emotions are.

Admittedly, it’s a small sample. The author calls it qualitative research, and my sense is that it is likely quite representative of many birth mothers in Ethiopia.

Of the mothers interviewed for this thesis, 3 are single, and 2 are widows. They range in age from 25 to 30. Two are Muslim, 3 are Orthodox Christian. Their education ranges from “none” to a diploma. The interviews took place a year after relinquishment for 2 of the mothers, 3 years after for 2 mothers, and 5 years after for 1 mother.

I’ll give an overview here, and I encourage you to read the thesis for yourself.

Why did the mothers relinquish?

  • Money problems (usually temporary)
  • Social pressure (stigma, children born to unwed parents)
  • The mother’s HIV status (fear of dying and wanting to have a plan for the child/ren)
  • Lack of social support (the father of the child didn’t want the child; no friends or relatives to help with a baby)

The above reasons are not surprising. But what about this one?

  • Disinformation (expecting to maintain contact in some way)

Hewan, a 30-year-old widow with no education, said “she was willing to relinquish because she was told she would be receiving information about her children…However, it had been about five years and she still never heard about her children. Nina and Selam had to wait three years before they heard about their children.”

Hewan, Nina, and Selam also “never had the chance to say good-bye to their children.”

Read that sentence again, and then look at your children.

“All participants indicated that relinquishing their children was ‘the most difficult experience’ of all.”

Nina said of her last day with her child: “I could not sleep. I was holding him and staring at him all night long…I was telling him not to be scared and that he would grow up being a good man. Even though he was only four days old, he was looking straight into my eyes and it felt like he was searching for my soul.”

What were the feelings of the mothers after they relinquished their children?

  • Realizing the Loss (Nina: “After I gave my child to the orphanage I went home. There the first thing I did was take a shower, then it hit me. I just lost my baby and here I was being comfortable. I cried for a long time every day.”)
  • Anger (“After they relinquished their children, it was challenging for them to be back in the environment in which their children were lost from…They were also crying a lot and were angry almost every day.”)
  • Regrets (“Selam and Hewan regretted their decision in relation to what their expectation was and what the reality is. They state they were told by the delala (the broker) that they will have frequent contact with their children or with the adoptive parents…Hewan said: ‘If I knew that there would be no contact, that I would end up wondering about my children every day, that the pain does not go away…if only I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have relinquished my children.'”

Two of the birth mothers do not regret their decision. Hayat and Fikirte…have met the adoptive parents. Both have some sort of contact with their children, one through the adoption agency and one via telephone and email. Fikirte says ‘The meeting and the pictures assured me that my daughter is well taken care of. She has grown up and is living a life that I am sure she wouldn’t be having if she was with me.'”)

  • Blame (Two mothers blamed themselves “for not being mother enough to endure the challenges they once faced.” Others blamed the father, or family, for “not caring enough or for not understanding their pain.”)
  • Grief (“All participants stated that they grieved for their children every day. They also stated that though they grieve every day, some days are more painful than others.”)
  • Fear (“Nina and Hewan imagined everything that may go wrong in their children’s lives. They also wondered if their children understood why they relinquished them. They wonder if their children would accept them as their mothers when and if they meet them in the future.”)

Further, those who have children after placing a child for adoption feel overprotective, For Hewan, “It is her fear that she would lose him (the child she kept) too and ‘end up alone.'”)

The mothers also talked about circumstances that evoked or worsened their experience, such as “holidays, birthdays, and any other days that are celebrated in each family…On such days they either wish for their children to be part of the celebration or blame those who are celebrating it for doing it in the absence of their children.” Other triggers were “visiting a mother who gave birth, watching a mother with her son in public, watching young couples walk hand in hand, and watching a mother begging for alms with her children.”

Another trigger is lack of contact. Hewan said “having no contact with her children or the adoptive parents has made her loss ‘unbearable.’…She further stated that all the negative news that she heard about adoption in different media affected her, including her will to live.”

What are some of their coping mechanisms?

  • Acceptance (“Fikirte said, ‘When I finish my daily work, I sit for a long time and look at her (daughter’s photo) album or the framed picture of her in my room. I feel mixed feelings of happiness and sadness.'”)
  • Talking (“All participants reported that talking about their feelings and getting support from friends makes a lot of difference in their experience of relinquishment…(W)hen they share their experience, they feel like a weight is lifted off their shoulders…”)
  • Helping Others (Nina said, “When I see mothers in trouble or youngsters in the street I would go and talk to them to show them that somebody cares. Because I feel if somebody had cared enough I wouldn’t be in this position. Everything I feel I have missed or should have been done for me, I do it for others.”)
  • Concealing feelings (“All participants reported that they prefer not to talk about their feelings whenever they feel that they are judged or when they feel people would not understand them.”)
  • Withdrawing (“…the participants stated that the response from the community regarding their decision and how they should live their life after (the relinquishment) makes them question their desire to be part of the society.”)
  • Spirituality (“All of the participants stated that their faith has a major contribution in helping them accept what happened in their life.”)

I have met and embraced my daughters’ Ethiopian mother. My heart aches for her and for these mothers, recognizing that we can, and must, provide better, humane, and helpful services to them, the women who have placed their children in the hands of others. Regardless of whether adoption declines or continues, there is an obligation to not forget these mothers and families.

While this thesis is difficult to read, I am grateful for it. Ms. Alelign, the thesis author, recommends the following, in terms of social work practice:

Counseling, to make sure that birth mothers fully understand what relinquishment means and can make genuinely informed decisions. “Counseling services should also be provided to help birth mothers deal with what they experience after relinquishing.”

Advocacy, “for better awareness of the community about  birth mothers…because a positive response from the community can have an impact in minimizing the challenges they face while trying to play their role in society.” Advocacy is also important regarding “awareness as to how significant it is for the birth mothers to have contact with the adoptive parents or their children.”

Networking, because “Creating a psychosocial support group for birth mothers is also very important at this level since there are no support groups or organizations that help birth mothers.”

We must see their faces and hear their voices when adoption policy is discussed.

We must listen to them, and we must tell their stories.