Tag Archives: adoptees

Adoptee Remembrance Day 2025

Posted on by
Reply

Today is Adoptee Remembrance Day, designed to honor and remember adoptees who have died, who have been deported, who are survivors of the Troubled Teen Industry, who are incarcerated, who have been abandoned after being adopted, and those dealing with mental illness and/or substance abuse. We honor and remember all the forms of loss in the adoption community.

My post today is drawn essentially from my 2024 post about Adoptee Remembrance Day. The reasons for the day remain the same, and I am grateful for all those, especially adopted people, who promote awareness and the need for this day.

In the words of Pamela Karanova, the U.S. adoptee who founded Adoptee Remembrance Day, “While our primary goal is to uplift the legacy of those who are no longer with us, we also seek to share the truth of how adoption has impacted each of us. October 30th is our day of truth, transparency, and remembrance—a day for adoptees around the world to come together and be seen.”

What can you do to observe this day? There are many wonderful suggestions here. I’ve drawn some ideas below from the Adoptee Remembrance page. Please consider these actions, and share them with others.

  • Pause for a moment of silence for adoptees who have died.
  • Donate to help Mike Davis, who was adopted by a U.S. Army officer and was deported to Ethiopia in 2005. He has never met his grandchildren, and hasn’t been his wife and children for many years.

Twelve years ago yesterday, the parents of Ethiopian adoptee Hanna Williams were sentenced to lengthy jail terms for Hanna’s death. So many of keep Hanna in our hearts.

Adoptee Remembrance Day is “a beacon of awareness, remembrance, and solidarity.” Deep gratitude to those who work tirelessly to help and support adopted people around the globe.

ICE Detains U.S. Citizen Who Is Latina Adoptee

Posted on by
3

Her name is Maria Greeley, and ICE agents in Chicago told her she didn’t “look like” her name. They zip-tied and detained her. She was born in the U.S. and adopted. She is Latina. She had a copy of her passport with her. ICE said her passport didn’t look real, and told her she was lying.

“I am Latina and I am a service worker, she told the Chicago Tribune. “I fit the description of what they’re looking for now,” according to Newsweek.

She remains a bit shaken and said the experience was frightening. No doubt.

It also looks like racial profiling.

Many international adoptees don’t “look like” their adopted name’s ethnicity. A Chinese or Mexican or Haitian adoptee with the last name “O’Donahue” (I’m using this Irish name randomly) could find themselves in the same position as Greeley–it sure seems the ICE agents saw things that way.

These are very frightening times. Racial profiling is real. Adoptees should probably carry at least a paper copy of their passport, or of their passport card. That is unwieldy, I realize, but keeping a photo on the phone could be more problematic if ICE then takes the phone. Make copies of the passport and give them to family and friends, just in case. Know the phone numbers by heart of family members and a lawyer if possible.

Another reason to carry ID is that our U.S. government is now apparently enforcing a law allowing folks to be fined if they don’t have their “documents” on them. According to an NBC news channel in Chicago, “Chicago man fined $130 by ICE agents for not carrying identification.”

I am no investigative reporter. I do find it odd, though, that I can no longer find the Chicago Tribune article mentioned in the Newsweek article. If anyone else finds the Tribune article, please let me know.

Also, I believe in fairness and due process. I find it troubling to sanction abuse by our government, yet we keep hearing of so many cases.

Related Articles:

ICE Detains Citizen After Saying She Doesn’t “Look Like” Her Last Name.

New Anthology on Estrangement in Adoption Is Seeking Submissions

Posted on by
Reply

Estrangement in adoption is a complicated topic. As a co-facilitator at Adoption Mosaic, I’ve been part of the Navigating Estrangement class for adoptive parents for three years. Adoption Mosaic also runs an adoptee-only estrangement group, Adoptee Beacon. Both are offered once a year, usually in the spring. Adoption Mosaic’s We the Experts program had a great adoptee panel on estrangement.

In fact, Lora Alegria, one of the panelists, is one of the editors of a new anthology on estrangement, along with Sullivan Summer. Both are adoptees and writers, and they describe the anthology as a collection of “creative nonfiction work exploring the theme of estrangement, written by adoptee authors.” You can find more iinformation here. You can email them at adoptee.estrangement@gmail.com. The deadline for submissions is December 15, 2025.

I hope many adoptees will consider submitting their essay to this important anthology. Please spread the word about this!

Supporting the voices of adoptees is vital. I would feel remiss if I did not mention “Lions Roaring Far From Home: An Anthology by Ethiopian Adoptees.” I am honored to be a co-editor. I am deeply grateful for each of our adoptee writers. All revenue from sales of the book goes to help Ethiopian adoptees. Thanks.

Finding Joy in the Midst of Grief and Confusion

Posted on by
2

At a recent meeting of folks in the adoption community (adopted people. adoptive parents, birth parents), we got to talking intensely about some daunting issues, including grief and confusion among adoptees who are worried about citizenship and deportation, not necessarily for themselves but for others. They worry and pray for the adoptees who have been deported. The adoptees in this meeting all had proof of their U.S. citizenship and none had committed any crimes, so legally they weren’t among those who might end up in detention centers or worse.

Even so, many adoptees, especially Black or brown folks, including if not particularly those raised in predominantly white communities, are worried about being caught up in an ICE raid. They wonder if having been born in another country, whether Mexico or Korea or Russia or elsewhere, makes them vulnerable, or “less than,” or susceptible to dirty looks or worse. Even if they are not worried for themselves, they are worried about fellow adoptees, and about anyone who feels compelled to carry around their passport all the time, just in case.

Many adoptees wonder if their white parents and family and friends can truly understand what they are dealing with every time they read the news, or walk down a busy street, or consider traveling.

We closed our meeting by having everyone share one word about how they were feeling: words like rage, grief, exhaustion, fear, and overwhelmed were a theme.

Everyone also shared one thing that brought them joy. I really appreciated the chance to pause and think about that. I hope you will take a moment to focus on what brings you joy right now.

For many folks, it was a connection with nature: looking at the ocean, maybe seeing a whale, watching monarch butterflies feast on milkweed, seeing fabulous birds (this becomes more important with age, I grant you), and simply feeling a nice breeze while walking outside.

Photo by Maureen McCauley; Sunset off Blake Island, Washington state.

A couple of us also mentioned crafting (sewing, for example) and art. Here’s a collage I did recently, using a photo transparency.

I recently took a class in acrylic collage. I am finally feeling strong about making art for the sake of making art.

And of course, beloved friends and family often bring joy as well.

That’s me and Hamish, who is skeptical about something I’ve said.

Sometimes, finding joy within family is hard, when folks are far away (emotionally or geographically), or they are dealing with medical or mental health or financial or work issues. We all carry burdens and sorrows; I am not sure why we are not then more kind to each other these days.

That brings me back to the grief and confusion that we felt in the meeting, and that many folks are feeling now. It’s okay and understandable to feel those things. Maybe focus also on feeling joy, even in the midst of sadness or anger. We need to tip our hearts that way. Small steps and all that, meandering toward compassion and hope.

Aselefech Evans, MSW–Clinician, Co-Editor “Lions Roaring,” Writer, Ethiopian Adoptee, More–Is Now on Substack

Posted on by
1

Aselefech Evans, MSW, LSWAIC, has launched on Substack.

From her first post: “…I am Aselefech, proudly Oromo from the Oromia region of Ethiopia. Mother, Daughter, Auntie, Author (Lions Roaring Far from Home), family preservationist, and Black clinician—a title I hold with pride, as we make up only 4% of the field—and the owner of Stillness Therapy.”

Aselefech will be focusing on adoption, on neurodivergence, and on eating disorders and recovery. Her Substack is titled “From Stillness to Storytelling,” She will be writing primarily about three areas: adoption, eating disorders and recovery and neurodivergence. Aselefech has lived experience and extensive professional training in all three areas.

She notes “I’ve found deep connections with others whose paths to self-understanding have been anything but linear. I’ll share reflections, resources, and community voices that honor the diversity of our brains and experiences.”

Please read, subscribe to, share, and learn from this new Substack writer.

In full disclosure, Aselefech is my daughter. I could not be more proud of her. She brings a knowledgeable, compassionate heart to her writing and her work.

More Challenging Ideas for Adoptive Parents: Adoption is Trafficking; Adoption as a “Both/And”

Posted on by
1

My post last week on 3 Challenging Ideas For Adoptive Parents was well-received–thank you to those who read it, shared it, and connected with me about it.

My perspective is as an adoptive parent. Wherever we are in the constellation, talking together in community about complex ideas is vital.

Here are more Challenging Ideas.

Adoptees can have a wonderful childhood, love their adoptive families, and hate adoption.

It’s a both/and proposition. This Psychology Today article is a good introduction to both/and thinking, if you’re not familiar with it. Here is an excerpt, not specific to adoption:

 “,,,multiple things can be true at the same time and that everybody has a right to their experience, regardless of what somebody else is experiencing…Both/and says that you can and almost certainly will feel more than one thing at a time. You can feel both grateful and resentful of the pressures of parenthood. You can feel both exhilarated by a high-powered position and overwhelmed by the sacrifices that it demands. You can feel both appreciative to stay home with your kids and trapped by its routines. You can both love your career and wish you had more time with family. You can feel both ambitious and content. 

Both/and honors the full complicated reality that life presents.”

The notion that an adoptee can hate adoption is a complicated one for adoptive parents to consider, since we were the ones who instigated and paid for the adoption; further, we (most of us) deeply love our children, and know that, if not for adoption, we would not have these children in our lives.

Adoptive parents might wonder: “We thought we were doing a good thing when we adopted, giving a child a better life. Did we do the wrong thing, engage in an unethical act?” Or “How can anyone hate adoption?” Or “Does this mean my adopted children don’t really love me?”

Both/and thinking, rather than Either/Or thinking, can help work through some of this complexity.

Elena Hall, an adopted person, wrote a children’s book titled Adoption is Both.

 Cindy Zhu Huijgen, adopted from China to the Netherlands, writes on Inter Country Adoptee Voices, “Why I am relieved that China terminated its adoption program.”

|Adoption is trafficking.

The notion of adoption as equivalent to trafficking is a tough concept, I’d argue. Still, when we consider the role of money (the amount, who’s paying, who’s pocketing), the power imbalances and ethical murkiness (if not outright corruption and fraud) that are too often part of adoption, we can understand the argument.

Adoption and child welfare services are a multi-billion dollar industry, according to IBIS World: “…industry-wide revenue is expected to climb…to $30.5 billion (emphasis added) through 2025.” There’s so much that can go wrong as a result. Poor and vulnerable people can easily be horribly victimized, lied to, deceived. While international treaties like The Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption are designed to prevent trafficking, they are certainly not without flaws, and have many critics.

It is tempting, I’d argue, as an adoptive parent to say, “Well, we went through an accredited, reputable agency. There could not have been trafficking.” And if one hews to a tight definition of trafficking, the comparison with adoption can get clouded. Even so, the large sums of money exchanged; the power structure of who is placing children (or being coerced or deceived or bribed into doing so) and who is receiving children; the oversight (or lack thereof) of all the people involved in locating babies, children, and expectant mothers; and the reports of abused adopted children treated as slaves–all of this is deeply disturbing.

The National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges stated in The Disturbing Connection Between Foster Care and Domestic Child Sex Trafficking that “It has been estimated that 60% of all child sex trafficking victims have histories in the child welfare system. Youth without stable families are particularly vulnerable to being exploited by traffickers. Traffickers are targeting and recruiting youth directly from foster care, group homes, and residential placements.”

The book Finding Fernanda is a sobering read about international adoption from Guatemala. In an article titled “International Adoption or Child Trafficking?,” E.J. Graff reviews the book from a journalistic perspective: “Finding Fernanda is a true-crime page-turner about two mothers-Betsy Emanuel, an American, and Mildred Alvarado, a Guatemalan-accidentally united by a horrible adoption kidnapping. First-time author Erin Siegal uses the moving story to deliver investigative reportage at its finest, examining in tremendous detail exactly what happened to Betsy, to Mildred, and to the daughter that both of them lost.”

Graff notes that “Between 1998 and 2008, nearly 30,000 Guatemalan-born children (mostly infants and toddlers) were adopted by U.S. parents. In some years, that meant that an astonishing 1 out of 100 children born in Guatemala was adopted by an American family. For most of that time, everyone but the prospective adoptive parents knew-or in some cases actively chose to “unknow“-that the country’s international adoption system was a cesspool of corruption and crime, and motivated by money. Non-governmental organizations (NGOs) and news organizations reported in detail, repeatedly, that the country’s babies were systematically being bought, coerced, or even kidnapped away from families that wanted to raise them. But because healthy babies and toddlers kept on coming at a regular pace that kept up with demand in America, and because powerful Guatemalans were getting enormously rich off the baby trade, the system did not shut down until January 1, 2008.”

Guatemala is one country cited for trafficking; there have been many others. Here’s an article about issues in China: “Exploring variations and influencing factors of illegal adoption: A comparison between child trafficking and informal adoption.”

Against Child Trafficking “works to prevent child trafficking in intercountry adoption and to align international policies with the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child.” From the ACT web page: “In 2008, (ACT) was registered as an NGO in the Netherlands. It was established at the behest of the European Commission by Roelie Post, a civil servant at the European Commission” who investigated Romanian adoptions in the 1990’s for trafficking, and faced harsh opposition from the international adoption lobby. Post “forged a valuable partnership with Arun Dohle”, an adopted person from India raised in Germany. Together, they established ACT.”

A Reddit discussion “Can y’all break down the idea that adoption is trafficking?” includes many adopted people asking and answering questions.

Final Thoughts for Today

Again, this is a superficial presentation of dramatically complicated subjects. They are, though, being frequently discussed in many social media sites. They should not be dismissed.

Estrangement is increasingly common in the adoption community, a somewhat well-kept secret, though increasingly emerging into the mainstream. Folks who shy away from the challenging ideas may be among those who are estranged. We adoptive parents need to be able to sit with these tough notions, because our children may be doing exactly that as well.

I welcome your thoughts on these issues, and will be offering more Challenging Ideas soon. Turns out there are quite a few. Take good care, everyone.

3 Challenging Ideas for Adoptive Parents to Consider, If Not Embrace

Posted on by
3

This is a starter pack of potentially jarring notions for us adoptive parents.

Consider how your brain and body react to them, and why.

If you feel defensive or dismissive, pause to consider why. If you nod and feel less alone, explore that. Feel free to share this post with others, including your adult adopted children, folks without direct connections to adoption, therapists, counselors, relatives, friends. Please feel welcome to share your reactions, either in the comments or in an email to me: Maureen@LightOfDayStories.com. I’d be happy to hear from anyone about these Challenging Ideas.

This is an unsettled time in the adoption community. Adoptees are speaking out more, on TikTok (#AdopteesOfTikTok) and other social media platforms. They are hosting adoptee-only webinars, starting nonprofits, building businesses related to adoption which do not involve placement of children. In my work with Adoption Mosaic, I have developed curriculum and co-facilitated multi-week workshops for Seasoned Parents and on Navigating Estrangement, geared to adoptive parents of adult adoptees. So many adoptive parents are perplexed by their adult children’s anger about adoption (or about the parents’ approach to racism and racial identity). So many are estranged. So many are startled by some of the current volatility in adoption.

Adoptees are not a monolith; nor are adoptive or birth parents, so there’s lots of room for conversation. And we need more conversations and connections in the adoption community.

Here are three Challenging Ideas. I will give a brief description, and then share some resources, mostly by adoptees. Some of the adoptees draw primarily from their lived experience; some draw from academic research.

Relinquishment in adoption is trauma. Adoption itself can be trauma as well.

The separation of children from their mother is inherently traumatic. Think of how you’d feel hearing about a baby or young child whose mother had died, recognizing the depth of that loss. Separation from one’s mother, even if for a child’s safety, is a traumatic event.That’s true in relinquishment for purposes of adoption as well. There is a wealth of material about Understanding Trauma and Behavior in Adopted Children. If children are older when they are relinquished, they may have also experienced many Adverse Childhood Experiences, or ACEs, such as neglect, abuse, witnessing violence, removal from their home into foster care, or relinquishment for adoption, which can include physical relocation into a place where they don’t speak the language, don’t have racial mirrors, and have been taken from all that was familiar.

None of this damns anyone to horrible outcomes, especially if they grow up with or at some point find stability, safety, and recognition of their needs. Not all adoptees do. In any case, the Hallmark version of adoption as all-happy, the rainbows-and-unicorns scenario, could use more skepticism and less pressure on adoptees, especially, to be grateful or to have no issues with having been relinquished and adopted.

Lina Vanegas MSW, an adopted person from Colombia, is profiled here as an Adoptee Advocate. She discusses trauma, loss, suicide prevention, and other related topics.

Via Boston Post-Adoption Resources, Erika Kramer MSW writes on Adoption Trauma.

Theodora Blanchfield AMFT, an adopted person, writes that “I Am Grateful to Be Adopted–And Yet, Adoption Is Still Traumatic.”

Michele Merritt, an adopted person, writes in Science Direct about “Discovering latent trauma: An adopted adult’s perspective.”

Adoption should be abolished.

Abolition of adoption is a complex subject. No one wants children to be abused, neglected, in danger, needing medical care, out on the streets: that’s true for adoption abolitionists as well.

What adoption abolitionists want, as I understand it, is a systems overhaul, where, for example, poverty or patriarchy aren’t automatic reasons to remove a child from a family. where no one is entitled to a child, where families have access to equitable medical care, where children can afford to go to school, where a child can remain somewhere within his or her won family, safely.

Adoption abolitionists argue for an overhaul of the current adoption industry, which would include ending it. First steps would include genuine transparency (currently lacking in many adoptions) where adoptees have access to their own information, such as their original birth certificates and their parents’ names. Fraud, corruption, and coercion in adoption practices must be eliminated.

The role of money, for example is a huge structural factor: it is mostly white, relatively wealthy people who adopt, and children of color who are removed from their families. An international or private attorney adoption of one child can cost $40,000. That money could instead be used for job training, rent, and child care to allow a mother to keep her child. I’ve heard more than once that “adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation,” for example.

The US adoption tax credit is a significant government option that goes to adoptive parents; over the years, it’s involved billions of dollars for adoptive parents. Imagine if there were a structural overhaul that re-distributed funds so that families could keep their children, or get medical care for the children, or help grandparents or older siblings to care for the children. According to the Tax Policy Center, “The adoption tax credit has been repeatedly expanded, from an initial maximum value of $5,000 in 1997 to $14,300 in 2020. In 2020, taxpayers claimed total adoption credits of $322 million. The temporary availability of a refundable credit pushed the cost of the credit up to the dramatically higher figures of $1.2 billion in 2010 and $610 million in 2011 (including the refundable portion).”

Adoption Mosaic held a We The Experts panel featuring four adoptees who advocate for the abolition of adoption. Learn more here.

Lina Vanegas, listed above, often writes about abolition, and has also presented workshops with Mila Konomos, an adopted person from Korean, who posts about adoption survivors, abolition, and liberation.

Melissa Corrigan, an adopted person, writes “Abolish adoption.”

Nicole Eigbrett, an adopted person from China, tells her story here: “Adoption abolition envisions a world without ‘organized abandonment’ “

Marjie Alonso, an adoptive parent, wrote “I willingly, joyfully adopted my sons from Paraguay. I would never do it again.”

Adoption is rooted in white privilege, supremacy, and saviorism.

This can be an especially hard idea for adoptive parents to wrestle with. Like many other aspects of societal inequity, adoption is rooted in power and privilege. Who adopts? Who loses their children to adoption? What do they look like? What are their incomes, education levels, religions?

How does adoption perpetuate societal inequities, rather than prevent or eliminate them?

Kimberly McKee, Ph.D., an adopted person from Korea, writes about “White Supremacy, Christian Americanism, and Adoption.”

Alyssa Enright, an adopted person from China, wrote this editorial: “White Saviorism’s Effect on Transracial Adoption.”

Chidimma Ozor Commer, Ph.D., wrote “When ‘Good Intentions’ Backfire: A Case for Non-Transracial Legal Guardianship Rather Than Adoption, and Why Transracial Adoption Is Not Trauma Informed.”

Final Words for Today

Please be assured that this is a superficial presentation of three topics that are deeply nuanced. Nonetheless, adoptive parents can and should lean into them, since their adopted children (perhaps especially those who are full-fledged adults) may be doing so as well. Yes, there can be great joy and love in adoptive families–I love my children more than I can say. I also know that relinquishment and adoption have deeply affected them, as well as their original families (including grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins). All children should be loved, safe, and as healthy as possible. All parents deserve to keep their children, and we all have a stake in helping them do so. That’s the goal. (There will always be exceptions.) How can we move toward that goal together, in a fair way, sooner rather than later?

Should Adoptive Parents Ask Adoptees For Help?

Posted on by
2

Over the years, when adoptive parents are asking other adoptive parents for advice about adoption, I’ve recommended that they ask adult adoptees. I am reconsidering this approach.

My lens here is as a white adoptive parent of (now adult) Black children, two born in the US and two born in Ethiopia. In an international adoption group, questions like this have been posted: Would Europe be a safe, less racist place than the US for my Black son to live? Should we send money to our children’s birth family? My adopted child (a young adult) is feeling anxious about the current immigration-ICE events: what should I tell them?

We white adoptive parents tend to default to other white adoptive parents as sources of information about adoptees. Often this is because the parents live in an almost completely white space with few racial mentors and few adoptee mentors. Also, it may feel safer to ask our familiars these questions, than to do the work of developing friendships with, say, Black or Asian people. We may not know many (or any) adult adoptees, or may feel insecure about asking them questions. Sometimes adoptive parents feel they should know all the answers, as we are often held up as exemplary merely because we adopted.

Often in Facebook groups and in other settings, I suggest adoptive parents talk to adoptees to get answers to their questions. Why do I say this?

  • Adopted people are the experts on the lived experience of being adopted.
  • Adoptive parents need to stop defaulting to the safety and comfort of other adoptive parents as experts. Sure, they can be one source, but
  • For far too long, adoptive parents have dominated many adoption spaces, and were seen as the best and sometimes only people who should speak about adoption.
  • This one’s more nuanced: my implicit hope is that adoptive parents have done work to incorporate other adoptees and people of color (besides their children) in their lives because the parents are white and not adopted, and their children are not white and are adopted. They should have at least a few adult adoptees to talk to in person. “Should” is of course a tricky word.
Black and white photo of foggy street with trees and telephone poles
®Maureen McCauley. Foggy street, fog in adoption.

Our adopted children might be good sources of information, and we adoptive parents also ought to make the circle wider. I have had many adoption-related conversations with my four children, now all in their late 30’s. Each has a very different perspective on adoption. I got to know many adult adoptees during the process of editing our book, “Lions Roaring Far From Home: An Anthology by Ethiopian Adoptees.” Those adoptees had been raised in the US, Canada, France, Sweden, Australia, and the Netherlands. I also follow groups such as Ethiopian Adoptees of the Diaspora, Ethiopian Adoptees Foundation, the podcast Ethiopian Adoptees Unapologetically Unfiltered, and more. I follow many adoptees on Instagram and on LinkedIn. There are lots on TikTok of course; I am not a frequent TikTok user.

I have probably overstepped fairly often, injected myself into conversations that were not mine to enter, and unintentionally leapt over boundaries. Mostly people have been kind to me about that.

Like any group, the perspective of adult adoptees will vary. That, to me, is why having a variety of folks to talk to can be so important.

Still: I believe we adoptive parents must accept that, while adoptees can be excellent, valuable sources of information, they have no obligation to talk with us. Some adoptees who are active on social media have no interest in talking with adoptive parents, their own or anybody else’s.

Others are more open to working with adoptive parents. Transracial adoptees Isaac Etter, Angela Tucker, Patrick Armstrong, and Cam Lee Small come to mind, for example. Same race adoptees Joyce Maguire Pavao, Jennifer Dyan Ghoston‘s podcast “Once Upon a Time in Adopteeland,” and Haley Radke’s podcast AdopteesOn all provide amazing resources. I’d be remiss if I did not mention the incredible, valuable programs of Adoption Mosaic, for whom I am a co-facilitator and consultant. The “We The Experts” programs are thoughtful, challenging, and community-building. The adoptee-centric workshops require that non-adoptees do not ask questions or otherwise comment; we are meant to listen and learn.

When we connect with any of these folks, and there are many more, we adoptive parents should consider the professional training in which many of the adoptees have participated. Buy the books. Pay for the classes. Leave a positive review. Do not partake without giving back in some way.

Consider also the value of lived experience and the notion of emotional labor. The essays that are in “Lions Roaring” are an example of that. Some of our writers shared stories that are haunting and painful. They wrote from their hearts, and the rest of us are fortunate to read their words. Some of the writers do not want to read their own words ever again, because offering that gift of writing was soul-draining.

Some adoptees thus have no interest in performing any emotional labor, especially for adoptive parents. It’s too heartbreaking for them. We adoptive parents need to be mindful of that, and not expect that all adoptees can or ought to share with us. Ask first; respect boundaries without judgment. Express gratitude.

I continue to learn, including now from my grandchildren, who are not adopted yet adoption affects them too, as the children of adoptees. I believe fully in listening to adoptees, in asking questions while first asking permission, and in respecting those who may not want to talk whether because of deep trauma or a headache or whatever: no reason has to be given. I will do my best to answer questions as well, if asked, and to hold myself back from offering my insights if not asked. I genuinely hope we can all continue to learn from each other, to heal, to grow.

The “Preventable Death” of Ethiopian Adoptee Biruk Silvers

Posted on by
1

May Biruk Silvers rest in peace and in power. May his family be comforted from heaven.

Accor5ding to a 2015 Chicago Tribune article, Biruk was adopted from Ethiopia when he was eight years old. Last month, on November 5, he died by suicide at a Utah teen treatment center. He was 17 years old.

I’ve written before about the deaths by suicide of adoptees. I don’t mean it to be exploitative or click-baiting. It’s a delicate dance. Talking about suicide is hard, and linking it with adoption is complex.

That said, Biruk’s adoptive parents, Joshua and Kathryn Silvers, have spoken out publicly about their son’s death because they believed that “medical malpractice and staff negligence led to Biruk’s preventable death” at the Discovery Ranch in Mapleton, Utah, according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

In late November, the state restricted the license of Discovery Ranch, per the Salt Lake Tribune: “The Utah Department of Health and Human Services’ licensing office…said Discovery Ranch failed to follow state administrative rules because it did not protect and supervise a ‘client who had expressed suicidal ideation and intent.’ ”

The agency inspected Discovery Ranch on Nov. 6, one day after the teen, Biruk Silvers, who was living at the teen residential program, died there. Authorities reported Silvers died by suicide.

A conditional license, a DHHS spokesperson said, allows a care program to continue operation, as long as they adhere to the licensing division’s conditions.” The full Salt Lake Tribune article is here: “State agency restricts license of Utah County treatment center where teen died.”

Discovery Ranch still advertises itself as the “Top Teen Residential Center for Boys.”

Per the Tribune article, Discovery Ranch’s current conditional license requires them to do the following:

  • Comply to increased monitoring by the licensing division. Each inspection, the notice said, will cost Discovery Ranch $393.37.
  • Notify current clients — or their legal guardians and the state agencies that placed those clients in the facility — that Discovery Ranch has been placed on a conditional license. Discovery Ranch has five days to notify everyone.
  • Not accept any new clients while the conditional license is in effect.
  • Increase staff trainings, including sessions on suicide risk prevention. Discovery Ranch must provide proof of training within 15 days of the notice.
  • Submit a detailed plan that demonstrates all staff members can “ensure immediate and effective communication” when a client expresses suicidal ideation or intentions to self-harm.
  • Ensure staff compliance with all Utah Administrative Rules and statutes.

The bottom line is that “Discovery Ranch Academy ‘failed to protect’ Biruk Silvers.”

I hope that the legal decisions by the state of Utah brought a bit of solace to the Silvers family. I cannot imagine their grief.

Teen treatment centers are controversial. In 2021, the American Bar Association issued “Five Facts About the Troubled Teen Industry.” Maybe you’ve seen the Netflix documentaries such as “The Program: Cons, Cults, and Kidnapping;” “Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare;” “Teen Torture Inc.” Teen treatment centers are wildly expensive, and can range from $500 to $2000 a day in some cases. Like the prison system, the teen treatment centers can be quite profitable for the companies that own them. In June 2024, U.S. Senate report found that “Residential treatment centers put profit ahead of children’s safety.”

Many teens struggle. Adopted teens have additional struggles due to having been relinquished, having been separated from their mothers and culture, having experienced adversity prior to adoption—that adversity (including violence, neglect, medical conditions) is often the reason children are in need of adoption, or of safe, functioning families in any case. The American Academy of Pediatricians published a report stating that adopted teens are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted teens. According to Adoption Competent Mental Health Services for Transracial Adoptees, “adult adoptees, who are overrepresented in counseling and more likely than the national average to struggle with suicidality and complete suicide, commonly seek therapy for adoption related issues that involve depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues.”

Academic and scientific research has substantiated all this, yet we are still far from the number of adoption-competent therapists that are needed. We are far, as a society, from acknowledging the complexity of adoption, wanting only to see it through a Hallmark Special lens.

What to do? Listen to adoptees, both their lived experience and their professional expertise. Learn about suicide prevention. Share adoption-related research with counselors, therapists, doctors, pastors. For example, share the Adoptee Consciousness Model, as well as the Adoptee-Therapist Directory..

My heart aches at the loss of Biruk Silvers, for his friends and families in the U.S. and in Ethiopia.

Additional Resources:

Research on Adoptees and Suicide by JaeRan Kim, PhD. Blog: Harlow’s Monkey

Coping With Loss From Adoptee Suicide by Lina Vanegas, MSW. Lina’s IG

From United Suicide Survivors International (USSI). I was honored to host this discussion, which is the most-watched USSI webinar:. “Adoption and Suicide Prevention: Adult Adoptees Speak Out

Adoptees Support the Abolition of Adoption?

Posted on by
Reply

Adoption Mosaics’s November 9 “We the Experts”panel will feature adoptees who favor the abolition of adoption.

This has to be among the most complex issues in adoption, which overflows with complexity. It’s not a simple issue nor an easy conversation. I know many adoptees who favor abolition. Some had terrible experiences because of adoption. Some love their adoptive family and hate the adoption industry. Some see adoption’s complicity with capitalism and imperialism, along with white saviorism, as more than enough reason to abolish adoption.

And it’s not because they want children to languish, to be unsafe, to die in orphanages, to be aborted, or to suffer in any way. Ideas like family preservation, adequate resources, legal guardianship, systemic change, the dynamics of power and privilege, organized abandonment, and more, I imagine, will be discussed.

These are my ruminations. The best approach is, of course, to hear from the experts, the adoptees themselves.

This Saturday, November 9, you have the chance to do just that. I will be there. We non-adoptees don’t talk or ask questions or make comments—we agree to listen and learn. Whatever connection you have to adoption, please join this conversation. You can register here.

The notion of abolishing adoption is a tough one for many folks; at the same time, it is increasing in the adoption community. “Abolition” is itself is a term that raises controversy and confusion, along with “reparations.” These words need to be parsed thoughtfully; all have nuance and depth.

I have no doubts the panelists—JinYoung Kim, Lina Vanegas, Marly Osma de Forest, and Schai Schairer—will be passionate, insightful, and challenging. As de Forest says on the Adoption Mosaic IG page, this will be an opportunity “to spend time with other adoptees imagining more expansive, holistic, and trauma-informed practices of care that do not demand severance and possession.”

Full disclosure: I am a consultant at Adoption Mosaic, an adoptee-led, adoptee-centric organization providing resources and support to all members of the adoption constellation.