We may not like to think about it or talk about, but estrangement happens a lot in families, including adoptive families.
I am honored to be co-facilitating a new Adoption Mosaic course starting in May, called “Navigating Estrangement: Helping Adoptive Parents With Healing.” This is for parents whose adopted children are over 18 years old. My partner in leading this is Becca Flatt, MSW, LCSW, an adoptee/adoptive parent and therapist. We’ve been working on the curriculum and it is powerful. This will not be therapy; it is consultation and community-building, providing resources and strategies.
At least one estimate suggests that one quarter of adults are estranged from their parents. I haven’t seen any statistics specific to estrangement in adoption; I am aware of many such situations anecdotally.
When children become adults, sometimes estrangement can be temporary and almost unnoticeable. The kids move out, they get busy with work, they have partners/spouses and children. And sometimes things smooth over.
Sometimes estrangement is loud, painful, and shameful: too often folks do not know where to seek help, and feel embarrassed or isolated. Finding a community can make a world of difference. Things can smooth over after this sort of estrangement too, though healing and reconciliation can be far more complicated.
The idea for this class evolved from our work in Adoption Mosaic’s Seasoned Parents course, geared to adoptive parents whose children are over 18 (and often are much older). The parents want to learn to better communicate with their adult children about adoption, including issues such as race, the adoption industry, the role of gratitude, the complexity of parenting. I have co-facilitated the class three times. We talk about why we chose adoption, about how adoption has changed over time, about the role of race in our children’s lives and our own, and about the fact that issues in adoption don’t end when a child turns 18.
In fact, sometimes the issues manifest in different ways as our children get older. We have had adoptees ask (or insist that) their parents to take the Seasoned Parents class; some adoptees might do the same for the Estrangement class.
Adoption Mosaic, while having classes for adoptive parents, is at its heart adoptee-centric. Starting soon there will be an Adoption Mosaic adoptee-only support group for any adoptee dealing with estrangement. It will be led by two adoptees, both of whom who have professional and lived experience. More info will be available soon on the Adoption Mosaic website. Be sure also to check out the “We The Experts Series,” which features a panel of adoptees and is offered every month, as well as the adoptee socials and other events.
Many in the adoption community are noting the growing movement for reform in adoption, in both practice and policy. We are hearing from and (I hope) listening carefully to the many adult adoptees speaking out. The reforms, the voices, and the demands for change are important. We adoptive parents can grow and learn as well, in ways that we hope will strengthen our children and families.
