Tag Archives: adoption mosaic

Adoptive Parents and Estrangement

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Estrangement in adoption is a tough, somewhat taboo topic.

It’s real. It affects many parents and adult adoptees. Research shows that many families experience estrangement, and adoptive families fall into that sphere.

Adoption Mosaic’s Navigating Estrangement class for adoptive parents is now open for registration. We start on Wednesday April 28 and meet for 8 weeks. I am a co-facilitator, along with adoptees Becca Flatt and Jenna Lowe.

Graphic promoting a program titled 'Navigating Estrangement' aimed at helping adoptive parents with healing, starting on April 28, 2026. Features a background of twine and the logo of Adoption Mosaic.

The idea for this class evolved from our work in Adoption Mosaic’s Seasoned Parents course, geared to adoptive parents whose children are over 18 (and often are much older). The parents want to learn how to better communicate with their adult children about adoption, including issues such as race, the adoption industry, the role of gratitude, the complexity of parenting. I have co-facilitated the class three times. We talk about why we chose adoption, about how adoption has changed over time, about the role of race in our children’s lives and our own, and about the fact that issues in adoption don’t end when a child turns 18.

In fact, sometimes the issues manifest in different ways as our children get older. And communicating with a 35 year old adult is very different from communication with a 15 year old.

We have had adoptees ask (or insist that) their parents to take the Seasoned Parents class; some adoptees have done the same for the Estrangement class. You can contact Astrid Castro (Adoption Mosaic’s founder and CEO) and schedule a free 15 minute consultation to talk about how to approach this, and to answer any other questions.

You can register for Navigating Estrangement here.

There are many resources provided in the class. There are also many resources about estrangement available to the community via Adoption Mosaic.

Adoption Mosaic runs a program for estrangement adoptees as well: Adoptee Beacon.

Being in community can make such a difference. Please feel free to share this info! Many thanks.

New Anthology on Estrangement in Adoption Is Seeking Submissions

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Estrangement in adoption is a complicated topic. As a co-facilitator at Adoption Mosaic, I’ve been part of the Navigating Estrangement class for adoptive parents for three years. Adoption Mosaic also runs an adoptee-only estrangement group, Adoptee Beacon. Both are offered once a year, usually in the spring. Adoption Mosaic’s We the Experts program had a great adoptee panel on estrangement.

In fact, Lora Alegria, one of the panelists, is one of the editors of a new anthology on estrangement, along with Sullivan Summer. Both are adoptees and writers, and they describe the anthology as a collection of “creative nonfiction work exploring the theme of estrangement, written by adoptee authors.” You can find more iinformation here. You can email them at adoptee.estrangement@gmail.com. The deadline for submissions is December 15, 2025.

I hope many adoptees will consider submitting their essay to this important anthology. Please spread the word about this!

Supporting the voices of adoptees is vital. I would feel remiss if I did not mention “Lions Roaring Far From Home: An Anthology by Ethiopian Adoptees.” I am honored to be a co-editor. I am deeply grateful for each of our adoptee writers. All revenue from sales of the book goes to help Ethiopian adoptees. Thanks.

Should Adoptive Parents Ask Adoptees For Help?

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Over the years, when adoptive parents are asking other adoptive parents for advice about adoption, I’ve recommended that they ask adult adoptees. I am reconsidering this approach.

My lens here is as a white adoptive parent of (now adult) Black children, two born in the US and two born in Ethiopia. In an international adoption group, questions like this have been posted: Would Europe be a safe, less racist place than the US for my Black son to live? Should we send money to our children’s birth family? My adopted child (a young adult) is feeling anxious about the current immigration-ICE events: what should I tell them?

We white adoptive parents tend to default to other white adoptive parents as sources of information about adoptees. Often this is because the parents live in an almost completely white space with few racial mentors and few adoptee mentors. Also, it may feel safer to ask our familiars these questions, than to do the work of developing friendships with, say, Black or Asian people. We may not know many (or any) adult adoptees, or may feel insecure about asking them questions. Sometimes adoptive parents feel they should know all the answers, as we are often held up as exemplary merely because we adopted.

Often in Facebook groups and in other settings, I suggest adoptive parents talk to adoptees to get answers to their questions. Why do I say this?

  • Adopted people are the experts on the lived experience of being adopted.
  • Adoptive parents need to stop defaulting to the safety and comfort of other adoptive parents as experts. Sure, they can be one source, but
  • For far too long, adoptive parents have dominated many adoption spaces, and were seen as the best and sometimes only people who should speak about adoption.
  • This one’s more nuanced: my implicit hope is that adoptive parents have done work to incorporate other adoptees and people of color (besides their children) in their lives because the parents are white and not adopted, and their children are not white and are adopted. They should have at least a few adult adoptees to talk to in person. “Should” is of course a tricky word.
Black and white photo of foggy street with trees and telephone poles
®Maureen McCauley. Foggy street, fog in adoption.

Our adopted children might be good sources of information, and we adoptive parents also ought to make the circle wider. I have had many adoption-related conversations with my four children, now all in their late 30’s. Each has a very different perspective on adoption. I got to know many adult adoptees during the process of editing our book, “Lions Roaring Far From Home: An Anthology by Ethiopian Adoptees.” Those adoptees had been raised in the US, Canada, France, Sweden, Australia, and the Netherlands. I also follow groups such as Ethiopian Adoptees of the Diaspora, Ethiopian Adoptees Foundation, the podcast Ethiopian Adoptees Unapologetically Unfiltered, and more. I follow many adoptees on Instagram and on LinkedIn. There are lots on TikTok of course; I am not a frequent TikTok user.

I have probably overstepped fairly often, injected myself into conversations that were not mine to enter, and unintentionally leapt over boundaries. Mostly people have been kind to me about that.

Like any group, the perspective of adult adoptees will vary. That, to me, is why having a variety of folks to talk to can be so important.

Still: I believe we adoptive parents must accept that, while adoptees can be excellent, valuable sources of information, they have no obligation to talk with us. Some adoptees who are active on social media have no interest in talking with adoptive parents, their own or anybody else’s.

Others are more open to working with adoptive parents. Transracial adoptees Isaac Etter, Angela Tucker, Patrick Armstrong, and Cam Lee Small come to mind, for example. Same race adoptees Joyce Maguire Pavao, Jennifer Dyan Ghoston‘s podcast “Once Upon a Time in Adopteeland,” and Haley Radke’s podcast AdopteesOn all provide amazing resources. I’d be remiss if I did not mention the incredible, valuable programs of Adoption Mosaic, for whom I am a co-facilitator and consultant. The “We The Experts” programs are thoughtful, challenging, and community-building. The adoptee-centric workshops require that non-adoptees do not ask questions or otherwise comment; we are meant to listen and learn.

When we connect with any of these folks, and there are many more, we adoptive parents should consider the professional training in which many of the adoptees have participated. Buy the books. Pay for the classes. Leave a positive review. Do not partake without giving back in some way.

Consider also the value of lived experience and the notion of emotional labor. The essays that are in “Lions Roaring” are an example of that. Some of our writers shared stories that are haunting and painful. They wrote from their hearts, and the rest of us are fortunate to read their words. Some of the writers do not want to read their own words ever again, because offering that gift of writing was soul-draining.

Some adoptees thus have no interest in performing any emotional labor, especially for adoptive parents. It’s too heartbreaking for them. We adoptive parents need to be mindful of that, and not expect that all adoptees can or ought to share with us. Ask first; respect boundaries without judgment. Express gratitude.

I continue to learn, including now from my grandchildren, who are not adopted yet adoption affects them too, as the children of adoptees. I believe fully in listening to adoptees, in asking questions while first asking permission, and in respecting those who may not want to talk whether because of deep trauma or a headache or whatever: no reason has to be given. I will do my best to answer questions as well, if asked, and to hold myself back from offering my insights if not asked. I genuinely hope we can all continue to learn from each other, to heal, to grow.

Adoptive Parents Must Step Up in the Time of ICE and Deportation Fear

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It would be great if none of us had to worry about deportation or ICE roundups, and about what to do if we get caught up in a raid. We parents who adopted internationally may feel everything is fine because our children–whether they are 4 years old or 39–have their Certificate of Citizenship or a valid passport. The Social Security Administration recognizes their US citizenship. That’s great.

And yet it may not be enough to prevent a sense of anxiety and even fear, especially for Brown and Black transracial adoptees from countries that are being targeted, Additionally, many international adoptees may not be US citizens. Some know this, and some are unaware, assuming that they are citizens. Adoptees without citizenship have been and continue to be deported.

What can and should adoptive parents do to help, given that we committed ourselves to international adoption?

  • Learn about the issue.
  • Be open and curious abut how adoptees are feeling.
  • Use our position as adoptive parents to help advance legislation to provide citizenship to all international adoptees and to prevent deportation.
  • Support and donate to adoptee-led organizations who are helping international adoptees with citizenship issues.

One concrete and important step is here: Dear Parents of Intercountry Adoptees: Do These Two Things Today. Consider this valuable and free advice from a lawyer who is also an adoptee.

Then move on to these items:

Learn

A brief overview:

International adoptees enter the United States as immigrants.

Adoptive parents have the responsibility to get citizenship for their children who are minors when they arrive here. Citizenship became automatic for international adoptees under 18 years old (though there is still paperwork involved) as a result of the Child Citizenship Act of 2000.

From the Adoptee Rights Law Center: “…despite the adoption, thousands of intercountry adoptees continue to have significant issues with US citizenship today. Those issues include:

  1. Securing U.S. Citizenship. Tens of thousands of intercountry adoptees today do not have US citizenship, despite being adopted as children by US citizen parents.
  2. Proving U.S. Citizenship. Even if intercountry adoptees acquired U.S. citizenship under the Child Citizenship Act of 2000, many may not have proof of that citizenship, either through a US passport or a Certificate of Citizenship.

Both issues are fraught with difficulty and may come with life-altering repercussions. Making it worse, U.S. law currently excludes older intercountry adoptees—those born prior to March 1983—from acquiring citizenship through adoption. Instead, they must often go through a long and expensive immigration process to naturalize as U.S. citizens. As adults today, they are considered immigrants, and are subject to deportation if they commit a crime or are not found to be in the country properly. This is fundamentally wrong.”

Adoption immigration law can be complicated, depending on when a child was adopted, what visa they entered with, and whether they commit a crime. Because of this, many international adoptees–even those with citizenship–feel concerned, perhaps about themselves, and perhaps about their fellow adoptees,

Be open and curious about how adoptees are feeling.

We adoptive parents who were born here in the US have rarely had to worry about proving citizenship, or even thinking about it.

Our adopted children look at the world through a different lens: as immigrants, perhaps as people of color. Their country of origin may also affect the way they see the world and the world sees them. Haiti, Nicaragua, Russia, Ukraine, Guatemala, and Mexico come to mind. Even if your child is not from one of those countries, or has no concerns about citizenship, as adoptive parents we can and should show empathy and concern for other adoptees.

Here are some adoptee perspectives:

Citizenship and Immigration Issues for Intercountry Adopted People: FAQ. Prepared by the Adoptee Rights Law Center, this list illustrates the concerns and quandaries of international adoptees in terms of documents and other resources.

Adoption, Belonging, and the Question of Citizenship: A U.S. adoptee reflects on the implications of birthright citizenship, closed records, possible inaccuracies or fraud, and how both domestic and international adoptees can be affected.

A Reddit conversation posted by an adoptee from China: Is anyone else paranoid about getting deported?

Thousands of Children Adopted by Americans Are Without Citizenship. Congress is Unwilling to Act. An AP article featuring adoptees from Iran, South Korea, Ethiopia, and elsewhere.

Use our position as adoptive parents to help advance legislation to provide citizenship to all international adoptees and to prevent deportation.

Legislation that would provide citizenship to all international adoptees has stalled in Congress for about 10 years. One challenge is that any immigrant without citizenship who commits a crime can be subject to deportation. Adoptees are included in this, regardless of the fact that they were brought here legally by US parents and with the oversight and permission of the sending country. (Some adoptive parents brought children to the US illegally, for medical or other reasons. They have a particular responsibility to acquire citizenship for their children, and it may not be easy.)

Aside from that, international adoptees without citizenship (for whatever reason) are technically here in the US illegally, and could be swept up in ICE raids. This possibility has fueled a great deal of fear among adoptees.

Adoptees for Justice has been actively working on this issue for years. Read more about their efforts on the Adoptee Citizenship Act (ACA) here. Donate to Adoptees for Justice if you can; share their information and ask your federal representatives to support citizenship for all adoptees.

If the ACA were passed, international adoptees who have been deported could return home. Adoptees have been deported to many countries: Germany, Ethiopia, Morocco, Mexico, Canada, India, Brazil, and more. There is a Wikipedia page about Korean adoptees who were deported back to South Korea.

From NPR: “NPR previously reported of an adoptee and father of five who was convicted of marijuana possession in Texas. Because his adoption was filed improperly, he was sent to his birth country of Mexico after having served a few years in prison.”

Support adoptees; Donate to adoptee-led organizations who are helping international adoptees with citizenship issues.

Here are resources to support, and to share with international adoptees and others in the adoption community.

I’ve previously mentioned and urge your support of Adoptees for Justice and the Adoptee Rights Law Center.

The Adoptee Rights Law Center offers free and low cost clinics for international adoptees who have questions about citizenship.

Adoption Mosaic is hosting an Adoptee Wellness Chat on July 16 This is an online, adoptee only event: “We will hold a virtual space to gather, reflect, and process together in light of recent political shifts. We intend to create a supportive environment where we can connect, recharge, and discuss how current policies affect us as individuals, as adoptees, and as a community.”

I understand that about 100 adoptees have registered so far, which gives a sense for what’s percolating among international adoptees right now.

Here’s a great list of Legal Resources for Intercountry Adoptees from Adoptees United. Adoptees United is related to the Adoptee Rights Law Center. Adoptees United is led by adoptees in the United States. “We are committed to a diverse board and organization that represents the interests of all adoptees, whether domestic, intercountry, transracial, or former foster youth.”

Support the work of the National Alliance for Adoptee Equality. Sign their petition for passage of the Adoptee Citizenship Act.


Hold space. Make space. Talk with whomever in your life might be at jeopardy, or might just be worried and stressed. Your adopted son or daughter might not want to talk about it. Keep learning nonetheless. Make sure you have all documents and copies (scroll down that page for the list of documents), all secured in a safe place.

Advocate for citizenship for all adoptees. Donate to help deported adoptees, like Mike Davis who was deported to Ethiopia decades ago and hopes to someday meet his grandchildren in person. Mike and other deported adoptees often struggle with life in deportation: they are isolated, often ostracized, don’t speak the language, and have difficulty securing work, housing, and medical care.

We adoptive parents have power to bring about change. Now is the time to be strong allies for international adoptees, to step up and do the work.