Tag Archives: transracial adoption

Grandparents and Adoption: Creation of Community

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I’ve had 18 years to think about the role of adoption and grandparents, ever since my first granddaughter was born. I now have three granddaughters. As is true for my four adopted now-adult children, I am not biologically related to my grandchildren. We are connected by adoption, yet my granddaughters are not adopted.

Becoming a grandma has helped me reflect on my parenting: what I knew then, what I know now. I have learned so much about the impact of adoption in the last 40 years as well. I’ve talked with many other grandparents who love their grandchildren deeply, including the grandparents who have lost their grandkids to adoption. Parents who are estranged from their adult adopted children often are estranged from their grandkids as well. Grandparents whose grandkids are adopted often get to hear stories and perspectives that the kids don’t share with their adoptive parents. Grandparents who are adoptees wonder about intergenerational trauma and medical histories for their grandkids. Some grandkids know their adoptive grandparents, and don’t know their biological grandparents, who may live in another country and may remain forever unknown–or not.

I am reaching out for grandparents with a connection to adoption, to create a supportive, compassionate, and curious community for sharing stories, questions, perspectives, and experiences. 

The community will include folks from these categories:

  • Grandparents who adopted their children, and whose grandchildren are not adoptees.
  • Grandparents whose children are the adoptive parents: the grandchildren are the adoptees.
  • Grandparents whose children placed a child for adoption/lost a child to adoption.
  • Grandparents who are adoptees and whose children may or may not be adopted, and whose grandchildren may or may not be adopted.
  • Grandparents who adopted their grandchildren.

The Vision

My vision for the actions of the community is very much a work in progress, subject to change and improvement.

  • Conversation Havens: Informal, welcoming spaces to talk about adoption’s impact on us and on our families. 
  • Writing Circles: Supportive, encouraging places to share and strengthen your writing, whether for yourself or for publication.
  • Book (and Articles) Club—Maybe we will talk about entire books. More likely, we will discuss thought-provoking articles about adoption issues, including those written by grandparents.
  • Resources: We will develop and share resources on grandparenting and adoption. These could be webinars, speakers, workshops, trainings, articles, more.
  • Opportunities: There are researchers who want to learn more about the role of grandparents in adoption, and I’d love to help with that. 
  • Mentoring: Wouldn’t it be great to partner with someone who has been through what you are going through? The goal would be to develop partnerships in community, to have mentors willing to listen, advise, bounce ideas around, and provide resources to their peer grandparents.
  • Sitting with Grief: Occasional meetings, led by mental health professionals, to provide an understanding space to share grief caused by adoption. This might be estrangement, or fallout from a misunderstanding, or sadness over loss.

Some of the many questions that we can consider:

  • How has adoption affected you as a grandparent?
  • If you are connected with transracial adoption, have your views on race and racism changed because of adoption?
  • If you are connected with international adoption, what are your reflections on the adoptee’s birth grandparents?
  • If you are a grandparent whose grandchild was placed for adoption, what have been the challenges you’ve faced?
  • How can we grandparents be better parents/grandparents, and also better allies for our children and grandchildren in relation to adoption? This is, I realize, a very complicated question.

Possible topics, from a grandparent’s perspective, include a wide range. This is in no particular order, and the possible topics are not limited to these.

  • Role of birth grandparents in international adoptions
  • Race/Transracial adoption issues
  • Power and privilege dynamics in adoption
  • Biology and medical history, including mental health
  • Estrangement
  • Grief, loss, and trauma
  • Names
  • Legacy
  • Infertility and its impact
  • Epigenetics
  • Intergenerational Trauma
  • Advocacy
  • Legal rights and their ramifications

A Final Note:

I had thought about an anthology of essays by grandparents with connections to adoption. I reflected further, and realized my enthusiasm needed boundaries. I’ve been an outspoken critic of those who share their children’s personal stories, believing that children cannot give informed consent. Many of these grandparent stories might blur or cross that line. So, the book as originally conceived is on hold. That said, there are ways for folks to share their stories that are respectful of personal details, and that’s something that we might explore in the Writing Circles.

Feel free to share this post, to comment here, or email me at Maureen@LightOfDayStories.com.

My middle granddaughter and I at a school event.

The Violence of Love: Race, Family, and Adoption in the United States

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Kit Myers is an adoptee from Hong Kong; he is also an assistant professor at the University of California-Merced. I was fortunate recently to attend a talk he gave at the University of Washington about his book, “The Violence of Love: Race, Family and Adoption in the United States.”

It’s a powerful book, and I recommend it. In full transparency, it is an academic book of sorts, with hundreds of footnotes and many pages of bibliography. Lots of great research presented usefully.

“The Violence of Love” is an important exploration of, as Dr. JaeRan Kim notes in her blurb, the question “How can transracial or transnational adoption be an act of both love and violence, and how can we envision a different future?”

Dr. Kim is herself an adoptee from South Korea, and an associate professor at the University of Washington-Tacoma. She also blogs at the highly respected Harlow’s Monkey.

JaeRan and Kit had a great discussion at the book talk. Many in the audience identified themselves as adoptees. I am grateful to scholars like Kit and JaeRan who share their wisdom with grace, insight, and truth.

From the book: “…we must eradicate not just the family policing system and adoption industry but the structural conditions and ideologies that enable them to exist…How do we draw on radical love to care for the most vulnerable–not in isolation but together? What would we do if we allocated the resources and were unafraid?”

A revolutionary sort of love. “There can be no love without truth.”

You can download a free copy here. You can buy a copy of it at that site as well, or from Amazon, or your local bookstore.

“Why is race still a factor in adoption?” Ask adoptees about that. A Call to Conversation and Action.

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While there are many reasons, race is a factor in transracial adoption because transracial adoptees have told us this, for decades.

I’ve been reluctant to publicize this New York Post article “Why is race still a factor in adoption?”. It is woefully uninformed, relies on attacks and haughty insinuations, and shows no real depth in terms of the nuances and complexity of race in adoption.

The writer, Naomi Schaefer Riley, does share the voice of an adoptee in the article. Riley vilifies Angela Tucker, a Black woman and adopted person, pouncing on Angela’s admittedly challenging Substack post, “What It Felt Like to Stop a White Couple From Adopting a Black Baby.”

I say “admittedly challenging” because Angela knew her writing would be controversial. It is nuanced and thoughtful as well, rooted not only in Angela’s personal experience as a transracial adoptee but also in her years of professional work in adoption. She is currently the executive director of the Adoptee Mentoring Society, an adoptee-centric organization guided by many members of the adoption community, including those deeply familiar with the complexity of transracial adoption and racial identity.

Angela, like many adopted adults who speak out about the role of race for transracial adoptees, is used to pushback from white adoptive parents, and indeed from white people generally. She does not oppose transracial adoption. She loves her white adoptive parents. She and I, a white adoptive parent of 4 transracially adopted Black now-adults, have known each other for years.

In part, I am suggesting here a Call to Conversation and Action because of my respect for the experiences of adoptees like my own beloved children, and of Angela, and of so many other transracially adopted adults.

This is a both/and situation, one that the New York Post article does not grasp: Adoptees can both love their adoptive family, and want to see adoption transformed (or abolished—and many folks do not understand what abolition means in the adoption community). You can be grateful for adoption (gratitude is an extremely controversial subject in adoption), and have traumatic, painful experiences due to racism. You can deeply love your adopted children, and also be aware that they were not prepared for racism and racist attacks.

You can protect your Black or Brown children in the loving bubble of your white family, and realize that the world is full of systemic and institutional racism, which might manifest as personal attacks both subtle and overt on your children.

You can want all children to have safe families, and also oppose adoption, arguing for other measures that don’t separate children from their mothers, siblings, cousins, grandparents, country, heritage, culture, language. You can acknowledge that adoption may have benefits (especially economic), and also recognize the struggles that some transracial adoptees have in terms of mental health, racial identity, sense of self, and more.

I am still processing my thoughts about the article. I welcome other voices to the conversation. The details of any Call to Action are yet to be determined, but I for one cannot let Riley’s question go unanswered.

A final note:

Research spans decades on the impact of race in adoption. Here are a few examples.

The Adoptive and Foster Family Coalition of New York has no fewer than 14 articles in its “Family Resources and Supports” section, with titles such as “Understanding the Impact of Racism on Children’s Mental Health” and “Racism and Microaggressions in Transracial Adoption.” There is a range of perspectives provided; all note that race is a compelling, forceful part of adoption.

This is from the Evan B. Donaldson Institute in 2000, following the 1999 Gathering of Korean adoptees: https://iamadoptee.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/08/Gathering-Donaldson-survey.pdf A quote: “The majority of respondents reported that they had experienced some form of discrimination while they were growing up. Race (70%) was cited more often as the basis for discrimination than was adoption (28%).”

Another example is from the Washington Post in 2021: ‘I Know My Parents Love Me, But They Don’t Love My People: Adoptees of Color with White parents struggle to talk with their families about race.

From Pepperdine University, 2017: “Empowering Adopted Children in the Face of Racism and Discrimination.”

From the Journal of Family Psychology, 2022; The Intersection of race and adoption: Experiences of transracial and international adoptees with micro aggressions.

Australia Calls for More Research on Suicide and Adoption

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An important report, “Intercountry Adoption and Suicide in Australia: A Scoping Review,” has been released by the Australian Department of Social Services.

While it focuses on Australia, the report has great relevance to other countries, both sending and receiving. More research is needed, and there is enough research globally (especially from Europe and the US) that action is needed as well.

Please share this report with adoption agencies, adoption organizations, therapists, and anyone with a connection to the adoption community. We need both more research and more prevention strategies.

Recommendations from the report from authors Ryan Gustafsson and Patricia Fronek include the following:

  • Increased collection of data on adoptee suicide.
  • A question on connection to adoption in all health care settings (i.e., “Are you affected by adoption?”)
  • A question about connection to adoption in practitioner interviews following suicide.
  • Increased identification of risk and prevention strategies in the intercountry adopteee community.
  • Development of practice guidelines (for therapists, counselors, health care practitioners) including adoptee experiences to inform interventions for at-risk adoptees.
  • Increased awareness in adoption communities, in schools, and for therapists and health care practitioners, about suicide and intercountry adoptees.

Adoptees Connected with the Report

Among the adoptees who contributed to the research cited in the report are the following: Amanda Baden, Tobias Hübinette, Hollee McGinnis, Gina Samuels, Lina Vanegas, Indigo Willing, Soorien Zeldenrust, Dong-Mi Engels, and Inter Country Adoptee Voices (ICAV).

The art in the report was created by three Australian adoptee artists: Gabby Malpas, Ebony Hickey, and Jonas Haid.

© Commonwealth of Australia (Department of Social Services) 2022

Here are a few takeaways from the report.

“Unknowns”

“Barriers to communication about the adoption experience and the disconnect between how an adoptee is expected to feel and how they actually feel are commonly reported experiences. Living with a set of ‘unknowns’ can be particularly challenging during significant life events such as searching for first family or visiting country of origin, medical diagnoses, childbirth, or loss of family members. Moreover, these challenges are not necessarily resolved when an adoptee is able to reconnect with their first families.”

Impact of Racism

“In addition, experiences of racism, discrimination, and microaggressions have been documented in studies on transracial adoptee experiences (Fronek & Briggs, 2018; Hübinette & Tigervall, 2009). The isolating impacts of racism can be exacerbated if adoptive families are dismissive of adoptees’ experiences and can lead to ‘topic avoidance’ around issues of race within adoptive familial contexts (Chang, Feldman, & Easley, 2017; Docan-Morgan, 2010; Samuels, 2009). Racism, including everyday racism, functions to intensify difference and is a common experience for many adoptees in Australia as well as internationally (Walton, 2012).”

Studies on Suicide Risk and Adoptees

“Von Borczyskowski et al. (2011) compared outcomes for adoptees and non-adoptees born between 1946 and 1968, and found adoptees had higher rates of suicide, 8.5 compared to 5.2 per 1000 men and 3.9 compared to 2.0 per 1000 women. Although the researchers point to heritable risk factors, they also suggest that adoption itself may lead to increased suicide risk. In their investigation of the link between school grades, parental education, and suicide among Swedish birth cohorts born between 1972 and 1981, Björkenstam et al. (2011) found the suicide rate for adoptees was more than twice that of non-adoptees and a correlation was found between low school grades and suicide risk.”

“Elevated risks of death by suicide”

“The meta-analysis conducted by Campo-Arias, Egurrola-Pedraza and Herazo (2020) found that intercountry adoptees carried twice the risk for suicide attempts. The studies conducted in Nordic countries and Minnesota found elevated risks of death by suicide and non-fatal attempts up to four and five times greater for intercountry adoptees than other sections of the population…

It has been suggested that intercountry adoptees’ experiences of racialisation, racial isolation and discrimination lead in some cases to severe crises of identity and that adolescent adoptees can face additional difficulties regarding belonging and identity due to having to navigate multiple identities.”

“Systemic and everyday racism; Racial isolation, discrimination, and bullying“

“Hübinette (2012) contended that systemic and everyday racism, and the distinct bodily and affective impacts of transracial placements, must form part of analyses of intercountry adoptees’ heightened vulnerability and high suicide rates. Similarly, Schwekendiek (2019) described how the racial isolation, discrimination and bullying experienced by Korean adoptees contributes to social maladjustment.”

Recommendations for Health Care Practitioners

“Graham (2014, p.21) suggested including the question “are you affected by adoption?” in all healthcare intake settings nationwide, including crisis helpline services, as well as increasing awareness among practitioners of adoptee suicide risks. Similarly, Baden et al. (2016) recommended developing and implementing training programs for all clinical practitioners to ensure adoption-competent approaches to service provision and the need to develop evidence-based practices to intervene with adoptees at risk. Importantly, they recommended that instruments be validated, and interventions developed with intercountry adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents. The need for identifying, implementing, and evaluating post adoption support services is recommended (Gair, 2015; Fronek & Briggs, 2018). This is particularly important given adoptees identify that practitioners with limited knowledge of adoption is problematic when they seek help (Fronek & Briggs, 2018).”

“Colin in Black and White:” NAAM

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This is day 9 of National Adoption Awareness Month, so this is my daily post to amplify the voices of adoptees.

This series should be mandatory viewing for prospective adoptive parents. Mandatory viewing for adoption agency staff, therapists, and counselors. Everyone should watch “Colin in Black and White,” now on Netflix, but those folks should be among the first in line. Adoption is not the main focus of the six episodes, and Colin Kaepernick arguably is so well-known that he does not need his voice elevated. Still, the story of adoptee Colin Kaepernick, Black/biracial son of white adoptive parents, will resonate with many adoptees. I hope the show generates a lot of conversations about transracial adoption and the need for racial mirrors and mentors. Perhaps it will also elevate the voices of other adoptees as to the genuine work that needs tp be done in the adoption community.

Ava DuVernay is a co-creator, director, and producer of the series.

Quarterback Colin Kaepernick achieved fame most notoriously for kneeling during the national anthem to protest racism in America. White America punished him severely for that, in a knee-jerk reaction that was not rooted in understanding Colin’s rationale (American history, personal trauma, willingness to take a stand against injustice–a great American tradition) behind the decision to kneel.

This new memoir/documentary/re-creation of Colin’s coming-of-age looks not only at Colin’s high school years, but also at the crushing, cruel realities of racism in America. He got his hair braided (and his head hurt a lot the first time), and then had to cut it in acquiescence to white people’s standards, those of his white adoptive parents and his coaches. Allen Iverson features prominently in that part of the film and his life. Interactions between Colin and Black people in real life were tentative, comforting, confusing, and soul-healing.

That hair.

Colin’s adoptive white parents came across to me the way a lot of white adoptive parents (that includes me) do: well-intentioned, loving, and missing a strong racial lens. They just didn’t get what it meant that Colin was Black, and would be perceived by the world as a Black boy and then man. Nice people, encased in white privilege. Totally unable to see the racism and micro aggressions that Colin was subjected to. It is painful to watch, and it happens all the time in transracial adoption.

The show also contains a Black history primer, including a re-enactment of the career of the great artist Romare Bearden, who was also a star baseball player. Colin narrates and curates a range of information and history, and integrates these sequences with his own story. I’d love to see another season where Kaepernick weighs in more viscerally on adoption, as well as about his decision to kneel during the national anthem. In any case, this is a thought-provoking show to watch, for all of us in the adoption community, and for anyone who wants to learn more about one of America’s most intriguing and talented sports icons.

Transracial Adoptive Parents: Will You Fight Racism, or Will You Ignore It?

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Transracial adoption is essentially built on racial inequity. The vast majority of transracial adoptive parents, especially those who adopted internationally, are White, and the children they adopt are often placed for adoption due to the pervasive economic disparities that are a result of race. I wonder if there are any White adoptive parents who have not been told that they have given their adopted Black or Brown children a better life. That usually means better schools, safer neighborhoods, and higher standard of living.

It would be so wonderful, a privilege really, if we could just stop talking about racism. Imagine if there were genuine equity in our society, in education, health care, employment, income, housing, and more. No voter suppression. No laws needed about discrimination based on Black natural hair. No teaching Black sons where to put their hands when Driving While Black. No Asians being harassed or worse for the “China flu.” No verified, well-researched reporting of income disparities among races.

That would be great. And we aren’t there yet by any means. In the wake of George Floyd’s death, we Americans seemed poised to take a look at our history as a country, understand the legacy of racism, and genuinely begin to heal. As the White adoptive parent of Black children, I’ve seen personally how racism has affected my children, in overt and covert ways. They are strong, successful people. They and other Black people have dealt with racism every day, individually or systemically. We White adoptive parents who have raised and are raising Black and Brown children know we hold economic and other power by virtue of our race. We cannot bury our heads in the sand. We must continue to learn, and to prepare our children for the world that is not racism-free.

Yesterday, President Trump issued an order pertaining to anti-racism trainings for federal government agencies and workers. It seeks essentially to bury the history and current entrenched system of racism in America, and to deny the reality that Black and Brown people live through in terms of inequities in health care, education, housing, environmental justice and more. 

Under the President’s new order, trainings for federal workers that mention white privilege or assert that racism is part of our country’s foundation “engender division and resentment” and “undercut” the federal government’s “core values.”

Who feels resentment? The White people who are not and never have been affected by racist policies in the U.S., and don’t want to hear about it.

Racism—via slavery, segregation, redlining, denial of voting rights and more—is indeed part of our country’s foundation. We are at a pivotal time to face that reality and make positive changes to end systemic racism. 

However, our current leadership calls anti-racism trainings “anti-American.”

The President has instructed the OMB Director to ensure that “federal agencies cease and desist from using taxpayer dollars to fund these divisive, un-American propaganda training sessions.” 

Federal agencies are to list all government contracts related to trainings about critical race theory and the idea of white privilege, and then do anything they can to cancel the contracts. 

Black scholars like Dr. Derrick Bell and Dr. Kimberlé Crenshaw are among those who developed critical race theory. White privilege is real, and disrupting it is part of anti-racist work, so that we live in a genuine anti-racist society. 

This may be one of our President’s most disturbing decisions yet. Watch who supports it, and who opposes it.

It would be nice to wish racism away, but that’s not what 400 years of American history tell us. That’s not what Black scholars, PhDs, and highly skilled researchers tell us. That’s not what Black friends and family tell us. That’s not what many transracially adopted adults have said here, here, here, and here. (There are lots more examples, if you want to look.) That’s not what Harvard Business Review tells us. That’s not what Doc Rivers tells us. It may be what some White men tell us, the White men that have traditionally held power in the U.S.

As the White parent of Black children whom I love beyond words, I will continue to acknowledge racism, to learn how it affects me and them, and to work to end racism and inequity. It’s the least I can do, with eyes wide open.

Do We Need More White Adoptive Mothers Writing About Their Transracially Adopted Children?

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No, we do not. I say that as a white adoptive mother who could share some terrific stories about her transracially adopted children, as kids in school, as teenagers, as young adults. I mean really riveting stories, with drama, heartache, humor, intrigue, and more. Their stories are theirs alone, however—not mine to tell, and certainly not if they are minors. My children are in their 30’s now, and I still would not tell a single story without their permission. And I mostly do not have permission.

I believe this is especially important within adoption, where adoptees had no agency for the decisions made for them, where the heft of economic and other societal powers is held by the adoptive parents, and where the birth family has little if any opportunity to be heard in an equitable way.

A while back, I got an email from a white adoptive mom who is writing a book about her children’s struggles and challenges. She asked to talk, I guess to pick my brain about it. She was surprised that I was not encouraging, that I did not think she should share her children’s stories, whether they had given her permission or not. They are minors, and minor children cannot give genuine, meaningful consent. She got a bit flustered as I expounded on why I thought it was a bad idea. She told me I was being hostile, at one point.

Yes, I suppose I was. Politely hostile, if that’s possible.

I asked if she had spoken to her family’s therapist about the book. Yes, she had, and the therapist thought it was a great idea. Memo to file: This is why we need more adoptee-therapists, and adoption-competent therapists. Here is a terrific list of U.S. therapists who are also adoptees. The list was assembled by Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker, a licensed psychologist who is herself an adoptee as well as an adoptive mother.

My hope is, regardless of what therapist one works with, that the therapist would say, “No, do not share your young children’s stories in public at this point, regardless of whether they have ostensibly given their consent, or whether you feel your story will inspire and help others.”

I am not a therapist but I’d also add: “Wait until they are adults, and can ethically decide whether they want their struggles and meltdowns and medications shared forever with strangers on the Internet or in print. This is especially true, white adoptive parent, if your child is transracially adopted. And do not share about their birth parents’ ages, prison time, addictions, other children, or any other information without the explicit permission of the birth parents. When your children are adults, feel free to encourage them to write their own stories, including about your parenting.”

And I’d close my remarks by saying that “There are many, many excellent adoptee-written blogs and adoptee-led podcasts and adoptee-authored books. New ones are burgeoning every day, as more adult adoptees find their voices and the empowerment to use them. Give them the respect they deserve for their lived experiences, and absorb what you can from those with professional expertise. Compensate them fairly for their time and their sharing of their stories and insights. Tell other adoptive parents about them. Listen and learn.”

Newport Beach, OR © Maureen McCauley

Nicole Chung’s Memoir “All You Can Ever Know” and the Future of Adoptee-Focused Literature

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“All You Can Ever Know,” a beautiful memoir by Nicole Chung, was published October 2 and is already in its fifth printing. The book had been glowingly reviewed all over the map: the New Yorker, Boston Globe, Seattle Times, Buzzfeed, NPR,  and many more, including starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and from Library Journal.

Nicole is on a book tour that includes chatting with Trevor Noah TONIGHT on The Daily Show. Seriously. I am guessing she is the first transracial adoptee to be on the show.

It’s all off the charts, really. And here’s the thing: it’s well deserved for a book that is nuanced and elegant, telling a story that is woven carefully around family, race, adoption, and the complexities thereof. As the Washington Post noted, “Chung’s search for her biological roots, after being raised in Oregon by white parents who adopted her from Korean parents, has to be one of this year’s finest books, let alone memoirs. Editor in chief of Catapult and former editor of the Toast, Chung has literary chops to spare and they’re on full display in descriptions of her need, pain and bravery.”

There’s not really much I can add to what so many others have already said.

Still, as an adoptive parent (and we ap’s are really good at holding the mic in the adoption community), I will offer this: It’s a beautifully crafted memoir, a carefully balanced story of an adoptee’s efforts to find her way in the world, and especially to find her truth. Nicole’s reflections on her pregnancies, her birth mother, her adoptive mother, her daughters, and her sisters are candid and heartfelt. There are questions and loose ends and tangles and more questions. She’s a Korean adoptee not born in Korea. She loves her white adoptive parents and has struggled with racism and privilege. Perhaps the best part of her search and reunion journey has been the deep bond with the sister she found as an adult.

The memoir reminded me that, as an adoptive parent, as much as we deeply love our children, if we are not adopted ourselves, we cannot fully understand what it means to be adopted. If we are white, we cannot fully understand what it means for our children to be and grow up as people of color. We must acknowledge and not dismiss or minimize those truths. We must listen and learn—and read and talk.

That the book has been wildly successful does not surprise me: Nicole is a highly accomplished writer and editor. (Full disclosure: she was my editor at Catapult for my article “How My Daughter’s Pregnancy Made Me Rethink Adoption.”) The reviews, the tour, and the acclaim are deserved.

Here’s my hope: Nicole’s book (and all the accompanying attention) will open even more doors for adoptees to write and publish their stories, whether they are happy, frightening, shocking, sad, or even mundane. “All You Can Ever Know” will find a solid niche as Asian-American literature as well as adoption literature as well as mother lit and memoir. Some adoptees will embrace Nicole’s story as resonant for them; some will have had a polar opposite experience. We all need to hear the wide and fascinating range of adoptee stories, told not by their adoptive parents, but by the adoptees themselves.

I’d be remiss if I did not say that there will soon be news about the anthology by Ethiopian adoptees from 7 countries,  “Lions Roaring, Far From Home.” I am one of the editors, and while there have been significant, unanticipated delays, we are moving ahead toward publication.

Brava, Nicole! Your book is a gem. I hope you get some rest along the roller coaster of a book tour. I hope John Cho loved the memoir. I hope you continue writing (I know that’s not an issue), and I know that the rest of us will continue enjoying and learning from your stories, your candor, and your generous soul.

With Nicole at her reading at Seattle Public Library, October 4, 2018.

Tell Trevor I said hello.

 

 

 

While “All You Can Ever Know” has received amazing attention and reach, there are many other books written by adoptees as well, and hopefully even more in the future. Be sure to check out AdopteeReading.com for “books written and recommended by adoptees.”

How great if we had a large collection of books by birth mothers and birth fathers as well, from around the world,

Small Town Football, Schizophrenia, and Transracial Adoption: A Devastating Perfect Storm

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In the U.S., we have lots of small towns where high school sports are entrenched. There are many traditions, and much enthusiasm, for the games, the players, and the coaches. Playing high school football is tough work: memorizing dozens of plays, completing and repeating complex drills, working through pain, following instructions that are yelled, living up to history and traditions of the team. Sometimes there is also character building, camaraderie, and excellence in sportsmanship.

IMG_6903

Dietrich High School football team practice

I can understand why young men in high school, especially in a small town, would want to be on the football team. I can understand why those who didn’t play sports would feel like excluded outsiders. Take tiny Dietrich, Idaho, for example. Why not try out for the Blue Devils team? The whole town (all 330 people) would know and maybe love you.

 

If you were part of an unusually big (25 kids) family, your family was the main reason the town had a black population at all, and you were a black 17-year-old who wanted to be part of the team and the town, maybe you’d try out for football. Maybe your only role models for black men were pro football players that you’d seen on tv. Maybe you’d hope to fit in, be part of a community where, as a transracial adoptee, you felt like an outsider, an “other.”

I get that.

What I don’t get is why a teen with disorganized schizophrenia would be considered by his parents or his coaches as a good candidate for lineman on a small high school football team.

The adoptee’s mother has said in news reports that her son, adopted at age four, was exposed to drugs and alcohol (Fetal Alcohol Effect or Syndrome?) before he was born, and was diagnosed with disorganized schizophrenia. “He struggles to carry out tasks that involve a sequence. When writing the first sentence of an essay, for instance, he may forget the point of the project. He carries this huge backpack” full of all his books so he can be sure to have the one he needs, the teen’s adoptive mother told news media.

People with disorganized schizophrenia have disorganized speech and thinking, and grossly disorganized behavior, They often have a flat affect, and inappropriate emotions and facial responses. Treatment for disorganized schizophrenia is more difficult than most of the subtypes of schizophrenia. They can be successful in life, of course–with support.

A teen with disorganized schizophrenia would not likely be safe or successful on a high school football team, unless appropriate safeguards and resources were in place, where people (coaches and teammates) were willing to work with him closely and intensely.

For this teen, playing football had to have been a nightmare. “As a lineman with the football team, the teen could seldom avoid jumping offsides; the quarterback’s play calls confounded him,” say news reports. Imagine–under the best circumstances–how that affected the teen himself, and imagine the responses of his coaches and teammates.

Add to that baseline the horrific racist taunting that (apparently) the coaches and the high school staff knew about and condoned. Add to that physical bullying in the locker room. Add to that being humiliated by teammates taking naked pictures of him on the team bus.

Add to that sexual assault by 3 teammates–a coat hanger in the rectum.

I hope that the alleged criminals–his teammates–are prosecuted to the full extent of the law, for “forcible penetration by use of force or a foreign object,” and for every possible charge. The federal criminal lawsuit will take time to wend its way through the system, as information is gathered and witnesses deposed. I wonder if one of the witnesses will be Hubert Shaw, who owns Dietrich’s feed lot, and is related to the main defendant, John Howard. Shaw is quoted saying about Howard and the other two defendants: “They’re 15-, 16-, 17-year-old boys who are doing what boys do.”

The adoptive family has filed a $10 million civil lawsuit, and that will no doubt take a long time to settle as well. The Dietrich school system has a $2 million annual budget. Maybe they have a lot of liability insurance. I don’t know how that works. I am heartened that the Dietrich School coaches, principals, and other staff members are explicitly named in the suit. They must be held accountable. Everyone who let this teen down in such a cruel, traumatizing way must be held accountable.

The mentality of small town sports can be overwhelming and consuming. Football is a tough, unforgiving, complex sport.

Adoption is complex, and can be traumatic. Children adopted at older ages (and 4 is older in adoption) have likely gone through some difficult experiences, or otherwise would not be placed for adoption. Adoptees often need and can benefit from clinical and other support services, especially in the teen years.

Transracial adoption has its own challenges. A good adoption agency and any adoption-competent licensed therapist would recommend that families have access to resources, role models, racial mirrors, same race mentors, and a deep understanding of racism (both on an individual and systemic level).

Treatment of mental illness often involves medications, therapies, counseling, and other services. Schizophrenia is particularly serious. I agree that stigma needs to be removed from mental illness. But mental illness is real, and should be treated with appropriate care.

There’s so much misunderstanding of special needs and of mental illness, of the realities of racism for people of color, and of the complexity of adoption. What a devastating perfect storm for this teen in Idaho.