I’ve been a grandma for almost 20 years now. I have had 26 cumulative years of grandparenting if I add up my three granddaughters.
As my children, all adopted, grew up, I had many opportunities to learn about adoption, through my lived experience and through professional work and training. My grandchildren are not adopted. They, like their parents, are people of color; I am white. As is true for my children, my grandchildren have no biological connection to me. Adoption affects them even so, through their parents. Add into that their genetic ancestors, some known, some unknown.
I’ve thought lots about how adoption affects me as a grandparent, and how it affects my grandchildren. I know many adult adoptees who are grandparents–they have a biological connection to their grandkids, though they may not have any connection with their own birth parents and other relatives. I know grandparents whose grandchildren were placed for adoption, and who no longer have any connection to their grandkids. I know grandparents whose grandchildren are adopted.
I’ll be providing ideas, information, and resources. I plan to host online sessions with a variety of grandparents who have a connection with adoption. We will take a look at the nature of loss, love, joy, race, trauma, healing, grief, laughter, and understanding, all in the context of adoption and grandparenting.
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I’ve had 18 years to think about the role of adoption and grandparents, ever since my first granddaughter was born. I now have three granddaughters. As is true for my four adopted now-adult children, I am not biologically related to my grandchildren. We are connected by adoption, yet my granddaughters are not adopted.
Becoming a grandma has helped me reflect on my parenting: what I knew then, what I know now. I have learned so much about the impact of adoption in the last 40 years as well. I’ve talked with many other grandparents who love their grandchildren deeply, including the grandparents who have lost their grandkids to adoption. Parents who are estranged from their adult adopted children often are estranged from their grandkids as well. Grandparents whose grandkids are adopted often get to hear stories and perspectives that the kids don’t share with their adoptive parents. Grandparents who are adoptees wonder about intergenerational trauma and medical histories for their grandkids. Some grandkids know their adoptive grandparents, and don’t know their biological grandparents, who may live in another country and may remain forever unknown–or not.
I am reaching out for grandparents with a connection to adoption, to create a supportive, compassionate, and curious community for sharing stories, questions, perspectives, and experiences.
The community will include folks from these categories:
Grandparents who adopted their children, and whose grandchildren are not adoptees.
Grandparents whose children are the adoptive parents: the grandchildren are the adoptees.
Grandparents whose children placed a child for adoption/lost a child to adoption.
Grandparents who are adoptees and whose children may or may not be adopted, and whose grandchildren may or may not be adopted.
Grandparents who adopted their grandchildren.
The Vision
My vision for the actions of the community is very much a work in progress, subject to change and improvement.
Conversation Havens: Informal, welcoming spaces to talk about adoption’s impact on us and on our families.
Writing Circles: Supportive, encouraging places to share and strengthen your writing, whether for yourself or for publication.
Book (and Articles) Club—Maybe we will talk about entire books. More likely, we will discuss thought-provoking articles about adoption issues, including those written by grandparents.
Resources: We will develop and share resources on grandparenting and adoption. These could be webinars, speakers, workshops, trainings, articles, more.
Opportunities: There are researchers who want to learn more about the role of grandparents in adoption, and I’d love to help with that.
Mentoring: Wouldn’t it be great to partner with someone who has been through what you are going through? The goal would be to develop partnerships in community, to have mentors willing to listen, advise, bounce ideas around, and provide resources to their peer grandparents.
Sitting with Grief: Occasional meetings, led by mental health professionals, to provide an understanding space to share grief caused by adoption. This might be estrangement, or fallout from a misunderstanding, or sadness over loss.
Some of the many questions that we can consider:
How has adoption affected you as a grandparent?
If you are connected with transracial adoption, have your views on race and racism changed because of adoption?
If you are connected with international adoption, what are your reflections on the adoptee’s birth grandparents?
If you are a grandparent whose grandchild was placed for adoption, what have been the challenges you’ve faced?
How can we grandparents be better parents/grandparents, and also better allies for our children and grandchildren in relation to adoption? This is, I realize, a very complicated question.
Possible topics, from a grandparent’s perspective, include a wide range. This is in no particular order, and the possible topics are not limited to these.
Role of birth grandparents in international adoptions
Race/Transracial adoption issues
Power and privilege dynamics in adoption
Biology and medical history, including mental health
Estrangement
Grief, loss, and trauma
Names
Legacy
Infertility and its impact
Epigenetics
Intergenerational Trauma
Advocacy
Legal rights and their ramifications
A Final Note:
I had thought about an anthology of essays by grandparents with connections to adoption. I reflected further, and realized my enthusiasm needed boundaries. I’ve been an outspoken critic of those who share their children’s personal stories, believing that children cannot give informed consent. Many of these grandparent stories might blur or cross that line. So, the book as originally conceived is on hold. That said, there are ways for folks to share their stories that are respectful of personal details, and that’s something that we might explore in the Writing Circles.
Feel free to share this post, to comment here, or email me at Maureen@LightOfDayStories.com.
