Tag Archives: adoptee suicide

The “Preventable Death” of Ethiopian Adoptee Biruk Silvers

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May Biruk Silvers rest in peace and in power. May his family be comforted from heaven.

Accor5ding to a 2015 Chicago Tribune article, Biruk was adopted from Ethiopia when he was eight years old. Last month, on November 5, he died by suicide at a Utah teen treatment center. He was 17 years old.

I’ve written before about the deaths by suicide of adoptees. I don’t mean it to be exploitative or click-baiting. It’s a delicate dance. Talking about suicide is hard, and linking it with adoption is complex.

That said, Biruk’s adoptive parents, Joshua and Kathryn Silvers, have spoken out publicly about their son’s death because they believed that “medical malpractice and staff negligence led to Biruk’s preventable death” at the Discovery Ranch in Mapleton, Utah, according to the Salt Lake Tribune.

In late November, the state restricted the license of Discovery Ranch, per the Salt Lake Tribune: “The Utah Department of Health and Human Services’ licensing office…said Discovery Ranch failed to follow state administrative rules because it did not protect and supervise a ‘client who had expressed suicidal ideation and intent.’ ”

The agency inspected Discovery Ranch on Nov. 6, one day after the teen, Biruk Silvers, who was living at the teen residential program, died there. Authorities reported Silvers died by suicide.

A conditional license, a DHHS spokesperson said, allows a care program to continue operation, as long as they adhere to the licensing division’s conditions.” The full Salt Lake Tribune article is here: “State agency restricts license of Utah County treatment center where teen died.”

Discovery Ranch still advertises itself as the “Top Teen Residential Center for Boys.”

Per the Tribune article, Discovery Ranch’s current conditional license requires them to do the following:

  • Comply to increased monitoring by the licensing division. Each inspection, the notice said, will cost Discovery Ranch $393.37.
  • Notify current clients — or their legal guardians and the state agencies that placed those clients in the facility — that Discovery Ranch has been placed on a conditional license. Discovery Ranch has five days to notify everyone.
  • Not accept any new clients while the conditional license is in effect.
  • Increase staff trainings, including sessions on suicide risk prevention. Discovery Ranch must provide proof of training within 15 days of the notice.
  • Submit a detailed plan that demonstrates all staff members can “ensure immediate and effective communication” when a client expresses suicidal ideation or intentions to self-harm.
  • Ensure staff compliance with all Utah Administrative Rules and statutes.

The bottom line is that “Discovery Ranch Academy ‘failed to protect’ Biruk Silvers.”

I hope that the legal decisions by the state of Utah brought a bit of solace to the Silvers family. I cannot imagine their grief.

Teen treatment centers are controversial. In 2021, the American Bar Association issued “Five Facts About the Troubled Teen Industry.” Maybe you’ve seen the Netflix documentaries such as “The Program: Cons, Cults, and Kidnapping;” “Hell Camp: Teen Nightmare;” “Teen Torture Inc.” Teen treatment centers are wildly expensive, and can range from $500 to $2000 a day in some cases. Like the prison system, the teen treatment centers can be quite profitable for the companies that own them. In June 2024, U.S. Senate report found that “Residential treatment centers put profit ahead of children’s safety.”

Many teens struggle. Adopted teens have additional struggles due to having been relinquished, having been separated from their mothers and culture, having experienced adversity prior to adoption—that adversity (including violence, neglect, medical conditions) is often the reason children are in need of adoption, or of safe, functioning families in any case. The American Academy of Pediatricians published a report stating that adopted teens are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adopted teens. According to Adoption Competent Mental Health Services for Transracial Adoptees, “adult adoptees, who are overrepresented in counseling and more likely than the national average to struggle with suicidality and complete suicide, commonly seek therapy for adoption related issues that involve depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues.”

Academic and scientific research has substantiated all this, yet we are still far from the number of adoption-competent therapists that are needed. We are far, as a society, from acknowledging the complexity of adoption, wanting only to see it through a Hallmark Special lens.

What to do? Listen to adoptees, both their lived experience and their professional expertise. Learn about suicide prevention. Share adoption-related research with counselors, therapists, doctors, pastors. For example, share the Adoptee Consciousness Model, as well as the Adoptee-Therapist Directory..

My heart aches at the loss of Biruk Silvers, for his friends and families in the U.S. and in Ethiopia.

Additional Resources:

Research on Adoptees and Suicide by JaeRan Kim, PhD. Blog: Harlow’s Monkey

Coping With Loss From Adoptee Suicide by Lina Vanegas, MSW. Lina’s IG

From United Suicide Survivors International (USSI). I was honored to host this discussion, which is the most-watched USSI webinar:. “Adoption and Suicide Prevention: Adult Adoptees Speak Out

Adoptee Remembrance Day 2023

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Today, October 30, is Adoptee Remembrance Day.

Why an Adoptee Remembrance Day?

  • To publicly mourn and honor adoptees who have died;
  • To raise awareness of crimes against adoptees by adoptive parents;
  • To raise awareness around adoptee suicide; and
  • To recognize that some international adoptees, through no fault of their own, do not have US citizenship, and that some have been deported.

From the Adoptee Remembrance Day Facebook page: “We are opening October 30th to be our day of truth, transparency, and remembrance for adoptees all over the world.”

There is a Virtual Candlelight Vigil today via Facebook at 5pm eastern.

Lions Roaring Far From Home: An Anthology by Ethiopian Adoptees is dedicated to Ethiopian adoptees like Hanna Williams who died at the hands of their adoptive parents, as well as to Ethiopian adoptees who died by suicide: they include Amanuel Kildea, Ashkenafi Jitka Lom, Fisseha Samuel, Gabe Proctor, Kaleab Schmidt, Tadesse Söhl, Mekbul Timmer, Seid Visin, and all those who have left us too soon. The book also has an essay by Mike Davis, a deported Ethiopian adoptee,

The cover of the book "Lions Roaring" is a painting of an Ethiopian woman with one hand on her hip and the other on the back of a roaring lion.

May they rest in power and in peace. May their memories be eternal; may their memories be a blessing. May their friends and families find peace and healing as well.

Australia Calls for More Research on Suicide and Adoption

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An important report, “Intercountry Adoption and Suicide in Australia: A Scoping Review,” has been released by the Australian Department of Social Services.

While it focuses on Australia, the report has great relevance to other countries, both sending and receiving. More research is needed, and there is enough research globally (especially from Europe and the US) that action is needed as well.

Please share this report with adoption agencies, adoption organizations, therapists, and anyone with a connection to the adoption community. We need both more research and more prevention strategies.

Recommendations from the report from authors Ryan Gustafsson and Patricia Fronek include the following:

  • Increased collection of data on adoptee suicide.
  • A question on connection to adoption in all health care settings (i.e., “Are you affected by adoption?”)
  • A question about connection to adoption in practitioner interviews following suicide.
  • Increased identification of risk and prevention strategies in the intercountry adopteee community.
  • Development of practice guidelines (for therapists, counselors, health care practitioners) including adoptee experiences to inform interventions for at-risk adoptees.
  • Increased awareness in adoption communities, in schools, and for therapists and health care practitioners, about suicide and intercountry adoptees.

Adoptees Connected with the Report

Among the adoptees who contributed to the research cited in the report are the following: Amanda Baden, Tobias Hübinette, Hollee McGinnis, Gina Samuels, Lina Vanegas, Indigo Willing, Soorien Zeldenrust, Dong-Mi Engels, and Inter Country Adoptee Voices (ICAV).

The art in the report was created by three Australian adoptee artists: Gabby Malpas, Ebony Hickey, and Jonas Haid.

© Commonwealth of Australia (Department of Social Services) 2022

Here are a few takeaways from the report.

“Unknowns”

“Barriers to communication about the adoption experience and the disconnect between how an adoptee is expected to feel and how they actually feel are commonly reported experiences. Living with a set of ‘unknowns’ can be particularly challenging during significant life events such as searching for first family or visiting country of origin, medical diagnoses, childbirth, or loss of family members. Moreover, these challenges are not necessarily resolved when an adoptee is able to reconnect with their first families.”

Impact of Racism

“In addition, experiences of racism, discrimination, and microaggressions have been documented in studies on transracial adoptee experiences (Fronek & Briggs, 2018; Hübinette & Tigervall, 2009). The isolating impacts of racism can be exacerbated if adoptive families are dismissive of adoptees’ experiences and can lead to ‘topic avoidance’ around issues of race within adoptive familial contexts (Chang, Feldman, & Easley, 2017; Docan-Morgan, 2010; Samuels, 2009). Racism, including everyday racism, functions to intensify difference and is a common experience for many adoptees in Australia as well as internationally (Walton, 2012).”

Studies on Suicide Risk and Adoptees

“Von Borczyskowski et al. (2011) compared outcomes for adoptees and non-adoptees born between 1946 and 1968, and found adoptees had higher rates of suicide, 8.5 compared to 5.2 per 1000 men and 3.9 compared to 2.0 per 1000 women. Although the researchers point to heritable risk factors, they also suggest that adoption itself may lead to increased suicide risk. In their investigation of the link between school grades, parental education, and suicide among Swedish birth cohorts born between 1972 and 1981, Björkenstam et al. (2011) found the suicide rate for adoptees was more than twice that of non-adoptees and a correlation was found between low school grades and suicide risk.”

“Elevated risks of death by suicide”

“The meta-analysis conducted by Campo-Arias, Egurrola-Pedraza and Herazo (2020) found that intercountry adoptees carried twice the risk for suicide attempts. The studies conducted in Nordic countries and Minnesota found elevated risks of death by suicide and non-fatal attempts up to four and five times greater for intercountry adoptees than other sections of the population…

It has been suggested that intercountry adoptees’ experiences of racialisation, racial isolation and discrimination lead in some cases to severe crises of identity and that adolescent adoptees can face additional difficulties regarding belonging and identity due to having to navigate multiple identities.”

“Systemic and everyday racism; Racial isolation, discrimination, and bullying“

“Hübinette (2012) contended that systemic and everyday racism, and the distinct bodily and affective impacts of transracial placements, must form part of analyses of intercountry adoptees’ heightened vulnerability and high suicide rates. Similarly, Schwekendiek (2019) described how the racial isolation, discrimination and bullying experienced by Korean adoptees contributes to social maladjustment.”

Recommendations for Health Care Practitioners

“Graham (2014, p.21) suggested including the question “are you affected by adoption?” in all healthcare intake settings nationwide, including crisis helpline services, as well as increasing awareness among practitioners of adoptee suicide risks. Similarly, Baden et al. (2016) recommended developing and implementing training programs for all clinical practitioners to ensure adoption-competent approaches to service provision and the need to develop evidence-based practices to intervene with adoptees at risk. Importantly, they recommended that instruments be validated, and interventions developed with intercountry adoptees, first parents and adoptive parents. The need for identifying, implementing, and evaluating post adoption support services is recommended (Gair, 2015; Fronek & Briggs, 2018). This is particularly important given adoptees identify that practitioners with limited knowledge of adoption is problematic when they seek help (Fronek & Briggs, 2018).”

Some Possibly Positive News on Suicide Prevention (Part 1 of 2)

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One of my most heartfelt and pressing concerns in the realm of suicide prevention is the intersection of the police with Black and Brown adoptees dealing with suicidal ideation or attempts. Many Black people do not trust police. Many police are not trained to deal with mental illness, though mental illness could be a factor in up to half of all police shootings.

So when a Black or Brown adoptee is experiencing a suicidal crisis, calling 911 might not be at all the best option.

There could be some hope on the horizon.

The 24/7 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texts to 741741 are solid resources. Use them, share them.

Currently, when a person is in crisis, many folks dial 911, regardless of whether any crime is being committed. The police may be called to an emotionally fraught situation with someone who is considering suicide, and police may or may not be the appropriate source of help, for many reasons.

Christian Hall, an adoptee from China, on December 30, 2020, was killed by Pennsylvania state troopers who had been called when he was reportedly suicidal and had what appeared to be a firearm. His adoptive parents have sued the police, looking for accountability, transparency, and more mental health services. From the article “A year after police killed Christian Hall, his parents continue calls for accountability”: 

“The challenge of finding mental health care is a common one for Asian American adoptees, particularly those living outside urban centers, said Kimberly Langrehr, a Chicago-based psychologist and Asian American adoptee herself. 

“They are living in a world that really knows little about adoption, is heavily misinformed about race and unfortunately also has a stunted understanding of mental health,” she said. 

Hall’s parents hope his story brings awareness to gaps in culturally competent mental health resources for Asian American adoptees, as well as the importance of mental health training for law enforcement officers.”

One new resource here in the U.S. will be available in mid-July: a 988 line, as opposed to 911. The idea is to send mobile crisis response teams, including trained mental health professionals, to folks in crisis, with the goal of not involving armed police.

The calls will still go via the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 number, though, is easier to remember, and will avoid a (perhaps unnecessary) call to 911/police. That could make Black and Brown folks feel less worried about police involvement in time of a mental health crisis.

However, the effectiveness of 988 depends on the individual state. Here in Washington state, where I live, the implementation of the 988 program is going well. In other states, that may not be at all the case. A Reuters article says this:

“Few states have resources such as mobile crisis teams in place to respond to calls for help. Statewide crisis services are available or are being ramped up in Virginia, Utah, Oregon, Washington, Nevada and Colorado, according to the National Association of Mental Health.

“In some places, you’re probably in good shape,” said Hannah Wesolowski, a spokesperson for NAMI, the national mental health advocacy nonprofit. “You could call 988 and there are going to be mobile crisis teams and a pretty robust crisis infrastructure. But in other places, good luck.”

And that, to me, is a tragedy. Access for some folks (such as adoptees, and especially in rural areas) to mental health services may continue to be limited, including suicide crisis intervention.

Talking about suicide is difficult, and connecting it with trauma and adoption is complicated. In my next post (Part 2 of 2), I will share some steps for advocacy on suicide prevention, especially in our adoption community.

Meanwhile, here are a few resources:

The Newport Institute has several articles about young people and mental health: “The Effect of Stress on College Students.” “Looking for ‘Likes’: Teens and Social Media Addiction,” “The Effects of Suicidal Attempts on Family Dynamics,” and more.

National Institute for Mental Health Research-UK: “Adopted children can experience lasting mental health problems.”

Befrienders Worldwide operates in 32 countries to provide emotional support in times of crisis, including around suicide.

Having a Conversation with Someone You’re Worried About

“The Last Person on Earth A mother considers her son’s final thoughts and a type of suicide we don’t fully understand,” from 2018, by Melissa Fay Greene, an adoptive parent.

An Ethiopian Adoptee Death: Heartache

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Because his adoptive parents spoke publicly about his death, I am sharing the news of the March 6 passing of Mekbul Timmer, an Ethiopian adoptee. I cannot imagine the heartbreak the family is enduring, and I send the deepest of condolences.

He was adopted by Jeff and Mattie Timmer of Michigan. Jeff Timmer is a political and media consultant who works with the Lincoln Project; both Jeff and Mattie have a substantial social media presence. Jeff posted on his Twitter feed various photos and information about Mekbul, including this obituary.

The family makes no mention of suicide as a cause of death—but neither do they give any other cause. Mekbul was 18 years old, adopted from Ethiopia (per the obituary posted by Jeff Timmer) when he was 11, as best I can tell from the obituary.

Mekbul Timmer

Because the family has been so public, we will include Mekbul Timmer’s name in the Dedication of our upcoming anthology of essays by Ethiopian adoptees, “Lions Roaring Far From Home.” We are dedicating the book to all Ethiopian adoptees who have died too soon, whether by suicide or other causes. We grieve as a community.

We know also how painful and searing a death by suicide of a young person can be not only to immediate family, but also to friends. Yes, the death is painful for those left behind at any age, but teens and young adults can often struggle a great deal with confusion, grief, and even suicidal ideation themselves.

I’ve written several times about adoption and suicide. I know it is a difficult topic at best. As a society, we are not good at talking about it. The popular narrative of adoption does not allow much room for adoptees who love their adoptive families and still struggle with depression or trauma. It doesn’t allow much room for adoptees who were failed or abused by their adoptive families either, and who deal with suicidal ideation.

Last October, I facilitated a webinar via United Suicide Survivors International called “Adoption and Suicide Prevention: Adult Adoptees Speak Out.” The powerful speakers were Jessenia Parmer, Amanda Transue-Woolston, Kevin Barhydt, and Lynelle Long. You can find the video of the webinar here.

United Suicide Survivors International has many excellent webinars and resources. Another resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255, available 24/7. The K-12 School Suicide Prevention info from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention may be useful also. Check out “How to Talk About Suicide” from Indian Health Services, There are “Resources for Youth and Suicide Prevention” on the page as well.

Jeff Timmer posted a thank you to the thousands of people across social media who expressed condolences. He included, “Please just love your kids and those close to you.” Absolutely.

I will add this, and I know it’s painful to even think about: Please learn and talk about suicide prevention with those you love.

May Mekbul rest in power and in peace. May his memory be a blessing.

Suicide Prevention: NAAM

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This is day 12 of National Adoption Awareness Month, so this is my daily post to amplify the voices of adoptees.

National Adoption Awareness Month can be a exhausting burden to some adoptees. I’ve read many posts by adult adoptees saying they are ignoring NAAM as best they can. For those who have experienced and are processing trauma, the month can be especially hard. Some struggle mightily with losses and can feel worn down.

In the past several years, I have posted multiple times about adoptees and suicide, not because I believe this should be pathologized: it should not. There are many reasons to be hopeful, and most adoptees do not deal with suicidal ideation. Many may not deal with anxiety and depression, and for that, I am grateful.

When adult adoptees share their stories about their struggles, that is an opportunity to create community and especially to create hope, and to let adoptees of any age know that there are resources and people who understand, and who want them to stay.

United Suicide Survivors International puts “the lived expertise of suicide attempt and loss survivors into action through leadership, action, and advocacy. They serve as a home for people who have experienced suicide loss, suicide attempts, and suicidal thoughts and feelings.” They hold a variety of free webinars every month, which are always thoughtful and well-done. You can go to their Facebook page here.

If you need help now, you can find resources here.

Just in case: The Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255, available 24/7. You can also text 741741 and reach a counselor, also 24/7.

USSI”s links include an e-learning for anyone thinking about telling their own suicide-related story: that’s a big decision that should be made carefully. I took the class, and found it helpful.

With gratitude to those adult adoptees who have shared their experiences with suicidal ideation, here is the YouTube link to the USSI webinar, “Adoption and Suicide Prevention.”

Take good care, everyone.

Original Photo by Maureen McCauley

Adult Adoptees Speak Out on Suicide Prevention

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On October 26, 5pm pdt US/8pm est US, United Suicide Survivors International will host a free webinar “Adoption and Suicide Prevention: Adult Adoptees Speak Out.” The panelists are amazing: Jessenia Arias, Kevin Barhydt, Lynelle Long, and Amanda Transue-Woolston. I have the honor of facilitating this conversation.

These four panelists have a wide range of experience and wisdom. Each has deep skills, whether as an author, a therapist, an online advocate for adoptees, a same race adoptee, a transracial adoptee, an international adoptee. All have the lived expertise of having been adopted.

And each one has agreed to share their stories and insights related to suicide and suicidal ideation. This is a very tough topic to speak and to hear about. I am deeply grateful that they will share their hard-earned wisdom, because the rest of us are needing and ready to learn.

Please join us for this important webinar, and please feel free to share the USSI registration link.

https://us02web.zoom.us/webinar/register/WN__JIIYzloQ2G-FaGb4uf4oQ

Adoptee Remembrance Day: Today

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The last couple years have seen a dramatic increase in the number of adult adoptees writing blogs, speaking at conferences, posting on Facebook and Instagram, creating groups, and otherwise sharing the truths of their lived experiences and professional qualifications. There have, of course, been adult adoptees vibrantly active in adoption for decades: their voices, however, were often drowned out by the dominant force of adoptive parents. That is changing, and that is wonderful.

Today is Adoptee Remembrance Day, an event created by Adoptees Connect. I applaud Pamela Karanova for her incredible hard work, including the way she has partnered with many other amazing adoptees and adoptee-led organizations.

Adoptee Remembrance Day is a day to reflect on loss in adoption. The traditional narrative is the warm, fuzzy version of orphans finding loving, forever homes: end of story. The reality is far more complex. Many adoptees were not orphans at all. Some ended up in brutal, abusive homes. Many struggle with grief, trauma, and depression, including those with loving adoptive families. There can be a lot of love in adoption: there can be a lot of sorrow as well, and we must acknowledge that.

So today, on Adoptee Remembrance Day, we have an opportunity to reflect on the complexity of adoption from the perspective of the experts: adult adoptees.

We can remember adoptees who have died by suicide, a painful reality. We can remember and honor adoptees who have died at the hands of their adoptive parents. (I’ve written often about Hana Williams, the Ethiopian adoptee whose adoptive parents we’re convicted for her murder.) We can act to help provide citizenship for all international adoptees, and to end the deportation of adoptees. We can listen to adoptees, and rise their voices.

I invite my fellow adoptive parents, and everyone in and out of the adoption community, to join me in spending time today listening and learning about Adoptee Remembrance Day.

Here is the link to the Adoptee Remembrance Day site.You will find loads of information, an incredible agenda, podcasts, music, and more. I am deeply grateful to everyone who is speaking out on this important day. These adult adoptees are sharing their genuine and profound truths. May this be another big step toward creating adoption policies that are fair, transparent, and focused on adoptees.

“Adoptees, Mental Health, and Suicide Awareness”

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The role of suicide and mental health in adoption are topics most people don’t want to hear about. As an adoptive parent, I’ve been writing and speaking out about it for years, and I know how painful and difficult it can be. That said, we need to talk and learn, and work toward suicide prevention and better mental health.

This Saturday September 12, Adoption Mosaic will host a panel called “Adoptees, Mental Health, and Suicide Awareness: Breaking the Silence, Breaking the Stigma, as part of their “We The Experts” series. The experts are adoptees, who share their lived experiences, as well as professional expertise. If as an adoptive parent you ever wished you could be a fly on the wall for discussions like this one, here’s your chance to listen to and learn from adoptees. I want to give credit and respect to the adoptees who will participate: they will be helping so many others with their courage and experience.

The focus on the “We the Experts” events is adoptees. Please share this event (and others in the We The Expert series) with adopted adults and others who may be interested. Non-adopted folx are welcome to attend: as listeners, as learners, as supporters of adoptees. Not as experts, not as authorities, not as dominating voices.

As an adoptive parent, I learned a lot about adoption as my kids were growing up. My sons were babies from the US when they were adopted; my twin daughters were 6 years old when they arrived from Ethiopia. All my children identify as Black; their adoptive dad and I are White. My children are all now adults in their 30’s. 

Over the years, we have had a lot of conversations about adoption. My four children’s perspectives on adoption vary greatly, around wanting or needing to search for birth family, around how they react to friends asking about their birth parents or why they were adopted, around trust, grief, Mother’s Day, and fairness. As children, they participated in adoptee camps and workshops, more or less willingly depending on age and mood. They dealt with memories or the lack of them, with baby photos or lack of them, with family tree assignments (never lacked them). As adults, they have settled into their identities, on their own terms, subject to change.

Questions and issues around adoption don’t end magically when adoptees turn 18. Children grow up. They seek out partners and relationships, and adoption can influence both. They have children themselves, who are not adopted and whose parents were. Those biological connections are powerful. As a mom, a grandmother, and the parent of adoptees, I continue to see the impact of adoption, and to learn.

One of the best ways I’ve been learning recently is through Adoption Mosaic’s “We the Experts” series. Depending on the topic, we get to listen to adopted adults talk about their experiences as parents, and how being adopted has affected their relationships with their children. We can learn why or why they chose to search for their birth family, how they have retained or rejected the religion they grew up in, what their relationships with their fathers have been like, and most recently, how they view DNA testing. In August, there was a great conversation about LGBTQ+ folx and adoption. The panelists talked about coming out to adoptive families, sexual orientation and how it can affect reunion, how dating and adoption can intersect (among other intersectionalities), and more. There was so much to say they held another session the following Saturday, and I have no doubts many conversations are still going on.

The panelists are consistently amazing and insightful. The adoptees attending the events ask great questions and share thoughtful comments. Astrid Castro, a Colombian transracial adoptee and thought leader in adoption, is the founder of Adoption Mosaic, and she facilitates the discussions. I especially urge adoptive parents, whatever age your adopted child is, to take advantage of the opportunity that is Adoption Mosaic’s We The Experts series. 

Adoption Mosaic has several resources about adoption and suicide posted on their facebook page as resources for the September 12 panel.

I want to also note a few other resources, by and for adoptees. One is Stop Adoptee Suicide, an Facebook page that provides resources. Another is this post from Intercountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV), “Dealing With Adoptee Suicide.”

Another important event will be Adoptee Remembrance Day, October 30, 2020. “Adoptee Remembrance Day is a day to recognize all of our brothers & sisters who are adopted, that didn’t survive adoption. It’s also a day that signifies an acknowledgement of loss for adoptees because before we’re ever adopted we experience the biggest loss of our lives that’s continuously ignored by our world today. Over the years, the adoptee community has had multiple conversations on creating a day set aside for adoptees, but we’re ready to bring this to life as a way to raise awareness and honor those adoptees who are no longer with us. It’s important that we don’t forget them and after all we’ve lost, adoptees deserve a day just for them.” – Pamela Karanova. Pamela is the force behind Adoptees Connect, whose goal is to “focus on putting adoptee voices first by creating a safe and valuable adoptee-centric space, created by and for adoptees, where their voices can meet and be heard.”

In recent years, the number of adopted adults who are speaking out about adoption has increased greatly. Each one has an important perspective to share, and I am glad to see their wisdom being acknowledged. Discussions around mental health and suicide remain challenging, in and outside of adoption, and each of us feels a terrible sorrow at the news of an adoptee dying by suicide. September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Let’s keep learning, together.

A crisis text line is available 24/7. That link will take you to text lines in other countries as well. In the US, you can talk to a counselor right away by texting HOME to 741741. If you or someone you know is in an emergency, in the US call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 (or your country’s emergency number) immediately.

Adoptees and Suicide: Resources and Thoughts for Adoptive Parents (And Others)

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As the White adoptive parent of 4 Black children (two born in the U.S., two born in Ethiopia; now adults in their 30’s), I have learned a great deal about both the joys and sorrows of adoption. One of the sorrows is that some adoptees struggle mightily with depression and trauma, no matter how deeply they are loved. This can become especially pronounced in adolescence. For those adoptees who are placed in abusive adoptive families, I can only imagine how horrific, lonely, and devastating their struggle must be.

Many adoptees do just fine. I don’t want to pathologize adoption or adoptees. That said, I urge all of us adoptive parents in particular to get a deeper understanding of suicide prevention, and to know that there are signs, treatments, and actions we can take.

I know of at least four Ethiopian adoptees who died by suicide. A (not adopted) Ethiopian 7th grader died by suicide a few years ago here in Washington; his parents are immigrants. They, their family, and their community have been devastated by the loss, as is, I am sure, any parent whose child has died by suicide. The parents and other family members need support and hope, which can come in many forms, as they try to recover and heal.

In my writing on adoption, I always try to promote the voices of adult adoptees, their lived experiences, their stories, and their professional expertise. 

Here are some examples of the voices we should be aware of and learn from, even as we are talking about the wrenching subject of suicide. There is a Facebook page Stop Adoptee Suicide set up by and for adoptees; there are some great resources listed on the page. There will be an Adoptee Remembrance Day October 30 organized by the adoptee leadership of Adoptees Connect. The page Intercountry Adoptee Memorials was created by Intercountry Adoptee Voices (ICAV) to honor those who adoptees who died by suicide or at the hands of their adoptive family.

Besides a willingness to read, and to make efforts to help families recover and heal, what can we do? 

Know that talking about suicide will not make someone suicidal. In fact, it can reduce the risk. Learn more here. That’s the site of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

Consider consulting with therapists who are adoptees. Here is a list, created by Dr. Chaitra Wirta-Leiker, of U.S. based adoptee-therapists. Dr. Wirta-Leiker is herself an adoptee and is also an adoptive parent.

Listen to adoptee-led discussions.

* One great podcast is Canada-based AdopteesOn; the Healing Series on suicide is thoughtful and powerful.

* Another excellent resource is AdoptedFeels, an Australia-based podcast hosted by two international adoptees, which had a 3-part series on adoption and suicide. Look here for the episodes.

 * Adapted podcasts (for Korean adoptees living in Korea and elsewhere) has had at least two episodes related to suicide.

* In September, Adoption Mosaic will hold a “We the Experts” program on suicide and adoption. The experts are adoptees. Non-adoptees (adoptive parents, partners, friends, support folx of adoptees) are invited to attend as well, and agree to be silent: to intentionally listen and learn. Stay tuned for more information soon.

 When looking for resources for your child, look for adoption-competent therapists. Ask what their training is in adoption and trauma. The Center for Adoption Support and Education has trained more than 1800 therapists in 18 states via a curriculum called Training for Adoption Competency. 

Keep these resources handy:

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline phone number: 1-800-273-8255 (Note: in 2022, there will be a 3 digit number for folx to call, but that is not in service yet. Keep using the number provided above until then.)

The Lifeline page has a link for resources for youth who might be struggling.

The Crisis Text Line can be reached  by texting HOME 741741 in the U.S. and Canada. You can text 85258 in the UK, and 50808 in Ireland. It is available 24/7.

Here’s an article I wrote on Adoptees and Suicide Risk, for a publication of Adoptive Families Association of British Columbia.

I would be remiss if I did not mention the role that racism and bullying (including cyberbullying) can play in the lives and deaths of adoptees.

The parents of Kaleab Schmidt, an Ethiopian adoptee who died by suicide in 2018, are working hard to get their school system to face the racism and racial bullying that their son endured at school. Kaleab had many struggles: abuse in Ethiopia, the loss of both Ethiopian parents, deep trauma endured there as a little child. If you believe that adoption itself is a trauma (the separation from one’s mother, the deep grief of losing one’s only known family, and in the case of international adoption, losing one’s country, language, history, and heritage), then you understand that Kaleab experienced many traumas. Add to that the blatant racism and bullying he received as the only Black student at his school, and the fact that (from the reports) no genuine effort appears to have been made by the school to address the bullying or the racism, and your heart continues to break.  

Racial mirrors matter. Surround adoptees with people who look like them. Racial isolation is painful. 

  • The Adopted Life blog of Black transracial adoptee Angela Tucker has several posts, videos, and interviews about the impact of racism on adoptees.

“The Harris Narratives: An Introspective Study of a Transracial Adoptee by Susan Harris O’Connor, a Black transracial adoptee; “In Their Voices: Black Americans on Transracial Adoption” by Ronda M. Roorda, a Black transracial adoptee, and “Outsiders Within: Writing on Transracial Adoption,” edited by Jane Jeong Trenka, a Korean transracial adoptee, are just a few examples of books written by (as Adoption Mosaic says) the experts in adoption: adoptees.

For more general information: Here’s a British site about Racism and Racist Bullying. Here’s information from the U.S. National Education Association on How to respond to incidents of racism, bullying, and hate in schools. There is a link in the article to some additional resources. I realize most school are doing remote learning, but the information is still relevant. Given that many kids are home and spending lots more time on social media, online bullying exists as a real and ugly possibility. Here’s one resource about cyberbullying directed toward teens. Here’s another more general one for children and teens: Cyberbullying.

Kaleab Schmidt, who died at 13 years old, was a victim of cyberbullying, among other racist incidents, according to an inquest requested by his parents. “School officials testified there was allegedly a Snapchat group called ‘I Hate Kaleab Schmidt’ created by students at Greenall High School.”

Imagine if that were your child.

We all need to work harder at protecting children from racism and other forms of abuse.

If your White adoption social worker did not prepare you well for transracial adoption (and I feel safe in saying that was the case for many adoptive parents), there are plenty of adoptees who can provide incredible information and insights. Listen to them. If your adopted child is a victim of bullying in school or on the web, especially of adoption- or race-related bullying, advocate fiercely for them. I realize some bullying can be inevitable, but racial-based bullying can be horrifyingly intense for a transracially adopted child whose white parents haven’t experienced racism. When the children grow up and go out into the world, the racism can be gutting.

This has to stop. Hard work and hard conversations must happen. May Kaleab and all those who died too soon rest in peace and in power.

San Juan Islands, 2016 &Copy; Maureen McCauley