Adoptive Moms Speaking Out: The Perfect Storm, The Paradigm Shift

Posted on June 30, 2013 by

There is great change occurring in the world of adoption and adoption policy. I mentioned some of them in my perfect storm discussion about Standards of Parents for Adoptive Parents. Margie Perscheid, my friend and also a wonderful person and talented writer, has a blog called Paradigm Shift, and has written an important post called Lead, Follow, Or Get Out Of The Way.

Like me, Margie is an adoptive parent; her children are from Korea. Like my children (who are from the US and Ethiopia), hers are now young adults. (Also, Margie and I both graduated from Georgetown University. Hoya Saxa.)

We both believe in adoption, and we are both troubled about adoption policy today. We both have seen a lot of changes and perhaps a bit of light over the years (decades) in which we raised our children. We are nice white ladies (I’m a grandma!) with really strong feelings about transparency and integrity in adoption practice, about race, about rights, about diversity, about marginalization, and about the rights of first parents. There are more of us than you might think lol. Revolutionaries with great manicures.

Here are some other adoptive moms writing for and about change in adoption. I can’t vouch for their manicures, but I can tell you they are insightful, discerning advocates for effective, respectful, transparent adoption practices.

Karen Benally’s site: Stories of Transnational Adoptees and Their American Parents. The site’s goal: promoting and facilitating dialogue between adoptees and their parents. Karen and her (adult Korean adopted) daughter, Lisa Charlie de Morais Teixeira, “are collecting survey data from a large sample and combining it with oral histories gathered from both adoptive parents and adult adoptees so that we can hear, compare, and combine those varying perspectives. Our goal is to open up a meaningful dialogue among and between adoptees and their adoptive parents on issues related to transnational adoption.”

Note: Along with many other adoptive parent-adult international adoptee pairs, my daughter Aselefech and I participated in this study. Karen interviewed me; Lisa interviewed Aselefech. The interviews took place separately. The questions covered race, identity, parenting, school, home and community life, and of course adoption. I don’t know how our answers will compare, but I feel certain that this study (to be published in a book) will be groundbreaking and hugely valuable.

Terra Trevor is mixed blood Western Band Cherokee, Delaware and Seneca, and is a contributing author of 10 Books. Her memoir, Pushing up the Sky, is widely anthologized with an excerpt included in Children of the Dragonfly: Native American Voices on Child Custody and Education. She explores themes of motherhood, race, culture, community, transracial adoption, raising a child with a life threatening illness, and the process of healing from the death of a child. She writes “from the perspective of a woman who has experienced a complicated motherhood, and straddles a complex ethnic and racial heritage.”

Cindy Rasicot’s site: Talking Heart to Heart. Cindy has a young adult son adopted from Paraguay. Her site is an online community that supports adoptive parents and adopted teens and young adults, particularly those involved with international adoption. It is intended to be a safe, grounded place for questions, listening, thoughtful discussions.

Adoptive parents hold most of the power in the adoption community. We can and should use that power in a new way today, to speak not *for* adoptees, but *along with* adoptees, and along with first parents, on issues like original birth certificates, access to medical histories, citizenship, the marginalization of birth/first parents, the realities of race, the need for improved post-adoption services for everyone, and more.

Burning and Building Bridges: A Korean Adoptee Returns to Korea

Posted on June 29, 2013 by

A powerful story from the New York Times about a writer, activist, adoptee: read it here.

South Korea is widely regarded as the country that began international adoptions, in the late 1950’s. There are now hundreds of thousands of adult Korean adoptees, all around the globe. The voices, writing, and activism of Korean adult adoptees are particularly significant, given their numbers and ages, and are the face of the future for other countries involved in international adoption.

Jane Jeong Trenka a adopted from South Korea as a baby in 1972, and raised in Minnesota. She struggled with racism growing up, as well as a hefty amount of mis-information about the realities of her origins and reasons for adoption. In the mid-90’s, she traveled to Korea, reunited with her birth mother, and learned many truths. Over the next several years, she wrote two memoirs, connected with other Korean adoptees, and moved permanently to Korea.

Jane Jeong Trenka http://www.minnpost.com/sites/default/files/asset/9/92c7ij/92c7ij.jpg

She is widely credited with being a pivotal force behind recent legislation to reduce the number of adoptions from Korea by providing increased protections for single mothers to keep and raise their children, and by promoting more adoptions within Korea. Jane is currently the president of TRACK, Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea. Here’s a part of TRACK’s Mission Statement:

TRACK is an organization advocating full knowledge of past and present Korean adoption practices to protect the human rights of adult adoptees, children, and families. We belief that birth families and adoptees need rights, recognition, and reconciliation with society in order to fully contribute to a strong Korean society.

Now 41, Jane has learned to speak Korean. Her birth mother passed away in 2000. The New York Times article quotes her as saying South Korea is her “unrequited love,” and Jane is living out that complexity now in her country of origin, speaking out, insisting on transparency and accountability. She’s controversial, insightful, effective. And along with other adoptees, she’s making huge changes, not just in South Korea, but in the world of adoption.

Summer Reading

Posted on June 29, 2013 by

As we move here in the US toward the Fourth of July holiday, I hope you are all keeping up with your Summer Reading List. I was one of those kids who loved that list of required reading over the summer–and we get to write reports about the books too? Yay!

The Washington Post has a great list of favorite books of their foreign correspondents for 2013. I share it here because it may be of interest in particular to international adoptees and to parents of internationally adopted children, but really it’s a fascinating list for anyone. The recommendations include books about Syria, India, North Korea, Jerusalem, China, Russia, and more.

The 2012 List is great too. Among the selections are these:

Recommended by: Sudarsan Raghavan, Africa bureau chief, who says this about the book: “It’s a wonderfully reported and written profile of Ethiopian dictator Haile Selassie’s last days, from the point of view of his servants, aides and others close to him. The book is considered one of the 20th century’s best works of nonfiction literary journalism. It’s a must-read for anyone who wants to understand Africa.”

And how about this one?

Recommended by: William Booth, Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean bureau chief. “I am delightfully shocked to learn the sublime Mexico City taco as I know and love it — a shave of pork from twirling spit, made happy with onion and cilantro (y por favor señor! that chunk of pineapple) — only dates back to the 1950s. Of course, wrapping something in a tortilla is as old as tortillas, though they didn’t call them tacos.”

And this one is absolutely a must-read:

This is me speaking now, not a foreign correspondent lol: Behind the Beautiful Forevers is a beautifully written book about India–its incredible poverty, and its astonishing potential. A challenging, well-worth-it kind of book.

Not on either of these lists is the newest novel by the brilliant Afghan-born American novelist Khaled Hosseini, And The Mountains Echoed. (He also wrote The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns.) Mountains has something of an adoption-related theme, in that one of the main characters was essentially trafficked, as a toddler, by her family, to a wealthier, childless couple, who never told her the truth of her origins. When Pari is a middle-aged adult, she re-connects with her family. In talking with a relative about her realization of what had happened to her, she says “You say you felt a presence, but I sensed only an absence. A vague pain without a source. I was like the patient who cannot explain to the doctor where it hurts, only that it does.”

To me, that sums up the poignancy of the adoption journey.

I hope your summer time is one of rejuvenation and adventure, and one that includes lots of good books. Library cards are free. Enjoy.

A Basic Civil Right, Still Denied

Posted on June 27, 2013 by

It’s been a big week for Supreme Court judgements. We are reminded of old ones, and celebrating new ones: black people and women can vote. Asian people can marry white people, or Asian or black or whatever combo. Gay people can marry other gay people.

Those are significant civil rights victories.

How long will it take until another basic civl right is allowed? The United States continues to acquiesce to an enormous violation of civil rights: denying access to thousands of adopted adults, by refusing them full access to their own birth certificate.

No other group of citizens is denied such a basic right. As of today, only 7 states allow adopted adults to know who they are, and only 3 states allow unrestricted access.

It is way past time to allow adopted adults the right to their birth certificates.

Parents, grandparents, siblings, partners, friends, spouses, everyone: If you’ve been pleased with any of these landmark civil rights decisions, join us in insisting that adopted adults have the right to something the rest of us take for granted: our birth certificates.

Get more information here: Adoptee Rights Coalition

Webinar on Privacy and Children’s Stories

Posted on June 26, 2013 by

A robust, controversial, emotional, and complicated topic: Privacy and adopted children’s stories.

How much is too much to share? Do adoptive parents have the right to share some or all of their child’s information? If yes, with whom–friends, family, strangers in the grocery store? What about sharing a child’s personal story (or behaviors, medications, history) on a blog or in a Facebook group?

My daughter Aselefech and I will be talking about this knotty topic via a live webinar Thursday July 18, noon-1pm cdt, sponsored by Children’s Home Society and Family Services. Information about the webinar is available here.

Feel free to send me any thoughts, questions, comments prior to the webinar, either here on the blog or to maureen@lightofdaystories.com.

There’s a lot to talk about…

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/213/520051406_76806f3362.jpg?v=0

DNA Testing, Adoption, and Outrage

Posted on June 26, 2013 by

Imagine a room with a bunch of nice, older ladies. They are mostly smiling. A few are cranky. I’m in there too, along with other grandmas. (It still shocks me I’m a grandmother, but Zariyah will be 7 in October, and I’ve come to terms with it. Best thing ever.)

Imagine that some of these nice, older ladies are fundamentally denied two basic civil rights: access to their own original birth certificates, and knowledge of their medical histories. Imagine that your mother or grandmother has no idea what contraindications exist for medications. Imagine your grandma’s painful medical condition that could have been easily prevented with proactive treatment.

I tend these days to first think of adoptees as being not children, but young people, because of my own young adult children. I need to be more inclusive in my thinking and acknowledge more fully the adoptees in their 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s, and beyond. That’s especially relevant around medical histories.

I posted yesterday about DNA testing and its value to adoptees. I received an absolutely on-point comment from TAO, a blog which you should follow. Now.

Here’s a quote from her comment:

“I am glad there is genetic testing available for many of the same reasons you note and while I don’t disagree with the statement “Finding out about potential future medical conditions could be frightening.” yet, I can’t begin to tell you how frightening actually living through a medical emergency without FHH is, and that reality plays out for adoptees more often than people want to believe.”

Family Health History, or First Family Health History, should be a given. TAO (The Adopted Ones, from the Baby Scoop era) is so right, and has put my delicate statement “Finding out about potential future medical conditions could be frightening” into the light of day where I now say:

Denial of medical histories is an outrage. Knowledge of one’s medical realities is so taken for granted by those of us who don’t have to think twice about it.

Knowledge of one’s medical history can be a matter of life and death. Certainly that knowledge can hugely impact the quality of one’s life.

And yet there are hundreds of thousands who ARE NOT ALLOWED to have this information.

Yesterday I was polite, and provided DNA testing information as if I were giving out lovely little flowers to brighten your day. I have no doubts that DNA testing is valuable, and provides great information.

But today, I am angry. US and international adoptees, whether they were adopted today or 75 years ago, should have access to their original birth certificates: there remains no doubt in my mind about that. They should also have as full, accurate family health history as possible. It’s an outrage that they don’t, and that they have to struggle to get it.

I would love to see more adoptive parents, grandmothers, grandfathers, adoption attorneys, adoption agency workers, and medical professionals joining in outrage.

TAO noted also in her comment to me that “not all genes have been found for common diseases let alone the estimated 7,000 rare diseases that affect 1 in 12 Americans…genetic tests are a poor substitute for a good FFH.”

Excellent point. Genetic tests are helpful on some level, no doubt. But genetic tests, as they exist now, are no substitute for a thorough, accurate first family health history.

From TAO’s “About” page:

“As you will notice as you read our posts both of us were impacted in different ways by the lack of current updated family health history because of being adopted. While having the family health history may not have changed the course of our diseases – the knowledge in my case may have prevented two life threatening events, and for shadowadoptee the knowledge that she would go blind sure would have been nice to know…”

Gazillion Voices– An All-Adoptee Led Online Magazine

Posted on June 25, 2013 by

While there are lots of articles, magazines, and policies about adoption, most are written by adoptive parents or adoption agencies. Very few are written by adoptees. Well, that’s all about to change.

Gazillion Voices will be the first All Adoptee Led publication addressing adoption issues from an adoptee-centric perspective. They’ve assembled an astonishing group of (US and international) adoptee writers, artists, academics, chefs, musicians, actors, researchers, change agents, activists, iconoclasts, and more. It’s gonna be great.

Its roots are in the Land of Gazillion Adoptees blog, and its branches are now looking for a little green. The Kickstarter campaign launched today. Your donation will be well-placed. The magazine launches in August–I can’t wait.

Full disclosure: My daughter Aselefech–the one who wrote the most viewed post on my blog ever–will be a contributing columnist. I will also be writing an article for a fall issue.

DNA Testing and Adoption: Filling In Many Missing Pieces

Posted on June 24, 2013 by

Access to information about our DNA is now easily available. This genetic information is wonderful and daunting for all of us, and perhaps especially valuable for adoptees, whether US or international.

It’s relatively inexpensive ($99) now to find out what percent of your DNA comes from what population (Sub-Saharan Africa, Europe, South America, etc.). Adopted people of mixed background can get an accurate breakdown of information that they may never have received nor otherwise could find out. A friend of mine, adopted from Colombia, found out she is Mayan, Middle Eastern, and Spanish/French.

You can also find out about medical matters, such as whether you are a carrier for cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs disease, sickle cell anemia, and many more. You can learn your genetic risk for diabetes, macular degeneration, Parkinson’s, and other serious conditions. You can discover how your genetic makeup could impact sensitivity to certain medications and drugs, such as Plavix and Coumadin.

Because the DNA results are all part of a global database, it is possible to find previously unknown relatives, from close family to distant cousins. In terms of search, for adopted people, this is huge.

I drew the information above largely from the website of one of the most popular sites, www.23andme.com. The “23” refers to the number of pairs of chromosomes we humans have.

The testing is done via saliva, about a half teaspoon’s worth. Young children can be tested; the kit is modified for folks who can produce saliva but not spit.

Adoptees are often missing their own medical histories. Every visit to a doctor’s office can be a reminder of loss, guesswork, and uncertainty. Writing “Adopted” and crossing out the Family History section can be frustrating. DNA testing eliminates some of the mystery, and fills in some of the blanks.

Of course, this genetic information opens a lot of potentially complex new doors. Finding out about potential future medical conditions could be frightening.

I still will say, though, that information is power. These days, we all have to be really strong advocates for our physical and mental health. Genetic testing gives us more information to work with, and allows us to engage our health care providers more effectively.

I’ve offered to get the testing kits for each of my (young adult) adopted children. They are considering it, and I can understand the need to take some time to decide. I’m going to get the testing done on myself. I’m not adopted, and I feel pretty confident that my ethnicity will be fully Irish. My mom died at 74 from cancer; she suffered with interstitial cystitis for years. Dad, now 83, is in great physical health, and also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. So I have some sense for the possibilities, and, at this point in my life, would rather have the information than wonder about it.

Everyone should have that option.

Here are some interesting sites to explore and consider:

www.23andme.com

www.FamilyTreeDNA.com

www.mixedrootsfoundation.org/global-adoptee-genealogy-project

https://genographic.nationalgeographic.com

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AdoptionDNA

SMH: Not making this up, Only wanting to help

Posted on June 24, 2013 by

This is one in an occasional Shaking my Head series about random but significant issues in adoption.

I believe in adoption, I want to see adoptions done with integrity and respect, and I believe adoption practice is changing and must continue to change. A couple of recent examples via Facebook made me shake my head,

An adoptive mom of a 2-year-old from Ethiopia asked for suggestions on getting the little boy to sleep: he wants to be held until he falls asleep, then often wakes and cries. With 4 other kids, the hour plus routine is getting hard. She is hesitant to let him cry it out. The little boy has been home for a week.

A week! My heart ached–only a week since a 2-year-old child–at a big developmental point in terms of brain growth, language acquisition, motor skills–suddenly lost everything he had previously known.

I wondered if the adoption agency had provided any guidance about trauma in adopted children, about transition, about what this child is going through. The advice the mom got online was very good, including “If you go slowly, always moving toward the goal of getting him to sleep on his own, you will probably get there in 6-8 months,” and “He is probably worried that if you leave at night, he might never see you again (like he has had happen at least once in his life, one week ago,” and “Put in the time now, hire a sitter to help with the other kids. Lie down with him, co-sleep. You will be so grateful later.”

Sleep issues in childhood are huge, regardless of adoptive status. For adopted children, they can be particularly complex and common. I’m glad this mom got such good advice, and in a supportive community. Hope she takes the advice. I just wonder how many families struggle alone. Helping adopted children adjust to their new life, as infants, toddlers, or older, is a critical post-placement service. Sleep adjustment (the transition to sleep, the ability to sleep through the night, the development of trust and movement away from fear and loss) is a vital skill. An overtired 2-year-old is no fun in the best circumstances; an overtired 2-year-old trying to adjust to an enormously new life where the people look different, smell different, sound different, where he has no common language, where he cannot express himself pleasantly (because he’s 2)–it’s a hard journey, and a long road. And I’ve no doubts the mom and dad are tired from trying to keep things “normal” for the other 4 children, who are all under 9 years of age. Oh my.

As happy as the adoptive family is to welcome the longed-for, long-awaited child into their home, the confusion (stress, upheaval) for the child is just as great.

An adoptive mother posted on a closed Eastern European adoption group about how proud she is of her now 18-year-old Russian son, graduating from high school, heading off to college. She noted he “is past all that teenage angst about adoption,” and moving on with his life.

I wish them well. I’d also suggest that adoption with its joys and sorrows, its realities, its rhythms is far more than “teenage angst.” Many adoptees aren’t even able to process some of the complexities until well into their 20’s or older. And, of course, some apparently have few struggles. However, to dismiss understanding of adoption as post-pubesecent emotion is to misunderstand the depth of adoption, trust, grief, and loss.

We are all in this together. It’s so important that we keep talking, that we listen to the insights of current research, that we acknowledge struggle, and that we seek help to grow strong. There’s so much at stake, and, sometimes, no extra chances to do the right thing.

Ethiopian Heritage Camp: We Will Be There!

Posted on June 23, 2013 by

Ethiopian Heritage Camp

This August, my 24 year old Ethiopian twin daughters, my 6 year old Ethiopian-Latina granddaughter, and I will be attending the Ethiopian Heritage Camp in Virginia. Aselefech and Adanech will be on a panel talking about “Growing Up in America.” I’ll be speaking “Parent To Parent” about our journey as a transracial, adoptive family, in which each one of my four children has approached adoption (including search and reunion) very differently.

Adanech, Aselefech, Zariyah, and me

And if the rest of the camp–experts on Ethiopian cooking, history, natural hair care, dancing, and more–weren’t enough, my dear and wonderful friend Jane Kurtz will be there too. Jane is the author of many highly regarded children’s books about Ethiopia, where she spent much of her childhood. Jane also wrote the Lanie books about the American Girl of the Year 2010. Jane and I met over 10 years, when our paths converged in our work for Ethiopia Reads, a small, robust, highly effective nonprofit that is brining literacy to the children of Ethiopia through libraries, books, and schools.

This camp is not just for families who have adopted Ethiopian children, but for all Ethiopian families. We celebrate together the beauty and wonder of Ethiopia. No, it does not make up for the loss of original culture. It does, though, provide a chance for adopted kids to get together with others who understand being adopted and being different, for older adoptees to be mentors and role models to younger ones, and for Ethiopians of the diaspora to share their love of their country and its rich, magnificent culture and history.

Light of Day Stories

Monthly Archives: June 2013