Tag Archives: interracial families

Adoptee-Focused: Minnesota Transracial Film Festival Tonight!

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It’s a sunny. brisk day here in St. Paul, Minnesota. And while Aselefech and I will indeed visit the Mall of America, we are here in the Land of 10,000 Lakes primarily to attend the Minnesota Transracial Film Festival tonight, and then tomorrow, the first adoptee-led, adoptee-focused conference ever: Reframing the Adoption Discourse.

Info about the Film Festival program (including clips) is here.

Here’s the lineup for tonight. Click on the film title for more information about each film.

Memory of Forgotten War 
Directed and Produced by Ramsay Liem and Deann Borshay Liem
Short, 37 minutes
2013

Where Are You Going, Thomas?
Film by Jaikyoung Choi
Short, 30 minutes
2012

Searching for Go-Hyang 
Directed and Produced by Tammy Chu (Tolle)
Co-Producer: Una Kim
Short, 31 minutes
1998

PANEL DISCUSSION featuring Deann Borshay Liem and Ramsay Liem, Angela and Bryan Tucker, Thomas Park Clement, Dawn Tomlinson, Jenni Fang Lee

CLOSURE
Directed and Produced by Bryan Tucker
Feature, 73 minutes
2012

The first 3 are related to Korean adoption, and the last is about US adoption. All are examinations of the impact of transracial adoptions. (Note: I’ve written about Closure here. I’m a big fan of this amazing, beautifully done documentary.)

I’m looking forward to watching all these films, and I’m especially interested in the panel which includes the filmmakers and subjects of the films. Jenni Fang Lee is a panelist; she was in the acclaimed documentary Somewhere Between.

Follow the Film Festival on Twitter at #MNTRFF and tomorrow’s conference at #APRC2013.

The Band-Aid of Heritage and Culture Camps: An Adoptee Perspective

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“I had the privilege of attending this summer’s Ethiopian Heritage and Culture Camp in Virginia as a guest speaker. The camp is wonderful. It is designed, not only for families with adopted Ethiopian children, but for Ethiopian-American families as well. Nevertheless, most of the families there looked like mine did when I was a child. While I loved seeing the little kids and enjoyed Ethiopian food, crafts, and clothing, it was through dialogue with many adoptive parents that I was better able to understand where adoptive families stand in regards to grasping the responsibilities of raising a child of color, and how much or how little agencies prepare families…”

That’s an excerpt from a powerful article called The Band-Aid of Heritage and Culture Camps, and What They Cover Up by Aselefech Evans, an Ethiopian adult adoptee, writing as a columnist in the current issue of Gazillion Voices.

I wrote about the Ethiopian Heritage and Culture Camp here and about the Ethiopian panelists (which included Aselefech) Speaking Their Truth here.

(L-R) Nunu Worke, Aselefech Evans, Adanech Evans

(L-R) Nunu Worke, Aselefech Evans, Adanech Evans

Full disclosure: Aselefech is one of my favorite people in the world. She is also my daughter, adopted in 1994 along with her twin sister Adanech, when they were 6 years old. (Adanech is another of my favorites, along with my sons and granddaughter.) Aselefech has reunited with her Ethiopian family, and wrote one of the most viewed posts ever on my blog, Far Away, Always in My Heart. She’s presented workshops and webinars about her experiences as a transracial, older, international adoptee. She speaks candidly, and from her heart. I’ve always encouraged my children to speak their truths, and they have. That can seem like a mixed blessing perhaps, if your children are writing and speaking out about their experiences as adoptees, and as people of color, and those experiences have not always been positive.

Therein, though, lies the genuine blessing: what a gift to be able to witness the honesty and reality and insights of my daughter. She demonstrates, I believe, the fundamental truth of adoption. It is often filled with both love and loss, held together at the same time, tilting one way or the other at other times. We adoptive parents decide to bring children into our lives, and in so doing, we are part of the lost life they might have had, with the family (and culture, language, heritage, race, traditions, history) into which they were born, into which (for good or bad) most children stay. Aselefech loves her dad and me, and we love her. Now 25 years old, Aselefech has struggled with the complexity that is transracial, international adoption. We (her adoptive parents) cannot take that pain away, but we can be open to her journey, joining her sometimes, knowing that the journey is hers alone.

Another excerpt from Aselefech’s article in Gazillion Adoptees:

“As an adoptive parent, when you choose to adopt internationally you must understand the cultural ramifications of removing a child from his or her culture. You must take on the overwhelming responsibility to keep them connected to their country of origin, the place from which you have taken them. You must surround them with a variety of people who look like them. Children’s attitudes towards their own race are deeply influenced by their interactions and observations of those around them. Will most of the children muddle through and eventually form a decent racial and cultural identity if you don’t offer all of this? Maybe. But what right do you have to make them pay that price?”

Powerful words. Aselefech has gotten some pushback, asking if she’s “anti-adoption.” She’s also gotten some wonderful, positive response for her courage and candor. I’m very proud of her. Like many adoptees these days, she provides a voice from a diaspora. I hope the world listens.

Sibling Connections in Adoption

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That’s my 26 year old son Sean with Genet Tsegay, Miss Ethiopia 2012/13, in a photo taken recently in SIlver Spring, Maryland. Sean has found his way into many photos with beautiful women. The icebreaker between these two, though, might have been different from his usual (not that I truly have any idea what “the usual” might be lol). For this meeting, it might have been something like “Hey, my sisters are from Ethiopia,” and maybe a conversation would have started around the not immediately obvious connection between these two young people from very different places.

One of the areas I find most fascinating in adoption is one that needs more research: siblings. I have no siblings. I have four adopted children; my twin daughters are biologically related. Our family has had many conversations along the way about the fact that all the kids are adopted. They’ve wondered what it would be like to be in a blended family, where some children were the biological children of the parents. They could all share their experiences of “He’s not your real brother?” and “She’s your sister?”

My Ethiopian daughters have reconnected with their 5 older Ethiopian siblings. So my daughters have four brothers, but the way they connect is very different at this point. For one thing, they don’t really share a common language with their Ethiopian siblings, and that’s a big deal. My sons have not explored any biological siblings, but sInce they were adopted in the US, we know they share a common language.  How they would differ from their biological siblings (if any) in terms of childhood, economics, education, religion–it’s hard to say right now.

As an African-American young man, Sean has known racism and discrimination–as well as solid community, love from family and friends of different races, and the ability to travel in many cultures, because of his own (adoptive) family. He shares race with his sisters and brother. Believe me, there have been many conversations around skin tones, stereotyping, the travails of being asked “What are you?” especially while growing up, when my children of different shades didn’t fit neatly into a category, particularly when one or both of their white adoptive parents was on the scene. Adoption can be complicated, and transracial adoption adds another layer of complexity.

I’ve known families with bio kids who adopt, and then see how the newly adopted child changes their home life in unimaginable ways, not all positive, and wonder if they did the right thing for their bio child.

I’ve known adoptive families with one adopted child of color, who stands out vividly in family photos. That difference can promote feelings of incredible isolation and difficulties with identity, though I’ve known parents who work to empower children around their uniqueness.

I’ve known adopted children who wonder about their bio siblings, older or younger, who were not adopted, who stayed with the first mother. That has a poignancy all its own.

I’ve known siblings with no biological connection who are deeply connected, the lack of common blood making no difference.

My son Sean would probably have found a way to chat with Mss Ethiopia, but the fact that he has two Ethiopian sisters created an easy connection. Miss Ethiopia is from the Tigray region of Ethiopia,  a college student, studying architecture–in her own way, perhaps also challenging stereotypes. I don’t know how much she and Sean chatted about his sisters–prolly not a whole lot. I love the fact that we can make wonderful connections sometimes, when we don’t expect to.  And I hope that we continue to have conversations about siblings, race, and adoption.

Interracial Families, Border Crossings, and Luck of the Draw

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A recent online conversation among parents who’ve adopted transracially and traveled internationally spurred a wide range of responses.  While crossing borders, some had been asked to provide proof that the child was theirs, some had never been asked, some  carry the adoption decree with them in hard copy or via their cell phones, some had been asked for documentation about their racially-matching children, and some whose kids were melting down wildly at border crossings were or were not asked for documentation.

One mom wondered if being asked for documents to prove parenthood was discriminatory against transracial adoption.

My strong feeling is that being asked for documentation at the border to prove you are a family has nothing to do with us personally.  It’s random. Luck of the draw. It has to do with the possibility of kidnapping, one of (I would guess) the many reasons border guards make excellent eye contact and ask questions that seem rude and intrusive.

Another guess is that the likelihood of having a convo with the guard increases for parents traveling alone with their child of another race, a fish in a barrel presentation for asking whether the other parent gave permission for the child to be transported across international borders.

Canada and the US don’t seem all that disparate until you’re crossing the border. The signs, the rules, the “STOP,” the guns, the dogs, the seeing the folks in the car ahead of you being pulled over to the side and all their car doors opened–serious stuff. It took me one garrulous, nervous trip to learn to answer only what is asked.  Nothing bad happened to me–I just had to get over my compulsion to make small talk with someone who is so not interested in small talk.

When my daughter (Ethiopian), my granddaughter (Ethiopian-Latina), and I (white) drove from Seattle to Vancouver, we were asked whether we had permission from my granddaughter’s father to cross into Canada. Before the drive, I had looked at the Canada border crossing info:

If you are travelling with minors, you must carry proper identification for each child such as a birth certificate, passport, citizenship card, permanent resident card or Certificate of Indian Status. If you are not the parent or guardian of the children, you should also have written permission from the parent/guardian authorizing the trip. The letter should include addresses and telephone numbers where the parents or guardian can be reached.

Divorced or separated parents should carry custody or legal separation documents and/or a letter of authorization to facilitate their entry into Canada.

We had our US passports, my granddaughter’s birth certificate, and the custody decree, plus the contact information. We were asked to present them all only going into Canada, and asked for nothing entering the US.

When they were minors, our kids (all transracially adopted) never travelled internationally with us. My daughters travelled with flight attendant escorts from Ethiopia when they came as 6 year olds to the US in 1994.

It occurs to me that if we’d had to present their birth certificates for international travel when the 4 kids were minors, we could have–but those birth certificates are amended, not original, and therefore a legal fiction of sorts. Legally sanctioned, and acceptable.

Final thoughts for parents of transracially adopted children:

How we formed our families is not of interest to border guards. Whether we kidnapped or are kidnapping the child is of great interest.

Interracial families remain novel in most of the world.

Interracial families attract curiosity, smiles, frowns, disdain, questions from strangers, second glances, others of similar circumstance, sometimes none of the above.

Children pay attention to how their parents respond to the questions about the kids from border guards. Or from friends and family. Especially about race and adoption.

Parents are role models for children, whether they like it or not. Showing them good examples for getting through potentially complex situations (such as border crossings where their reality is closely questioned) matters, because it will happen again and again in the lives of transracially adopted children.