To NPR, PBS, HuffPo, News Media: Don’t Quote Me, Don’t Ask Me

Posted on September 12, 2013 by

Reuters/NBC News recently published a troubling series called The Child Exchange, about how some adoptive parents are “re-homing” their adopted children with little oversight or transparency. I wrote about it in my blog post Treating Adopted Children Like–No, Worse Than–Dogs.

The information in the Reuters’ 5-part series is disturbing because of several elements. Isn’t adoption supposed to provide a child with a “forever family”? What was the adoption agency role in preparation? What is the adoption agency responsibility for post-adoption services, and for assisting the family in cases where a child may need (another) new family? How common is this practice of handing over a child with a notarized power of attorney to virtual strangers in a parking lot?

The adoption community on Facebook and elsewhere has been exploding with commentary. Many adoption-related organizations have issued press releases, and mainstream media is beginning to do some stories.

And who has been consulted and quoted? Adoptive parents, some of whom also work in leadership positions at adoption organizations.

Who has not been consulted or quoted in any meaningful way? Adult adoptees, some of whom also work professionally in adoption.

Off the top of my head, here’s a list of accomplished, knowledgeable adoptees who should be among the first to be consulted, way before adoptive parents:

The above list contains Ph.D’s, MSWs, transracial adoptees, international adoptees (Korea, Colombia, India), US adoptees–lots of professional publications, loads of experience.

I’ve blogged about the Reuters’ series, as I’ve said above, and I hope to be involved in some way with looking at possible reforms to our very broken adoption system.

But the folks that the media should be talking with first and foremost are adult adoptees.

Land of Gazillion Adoptees has offered their perspective on this recent PBS interview about the Reuters’ series. The interview featured the series’ writer, Megan Twohey, and Adam Pertman, adoptive parent and executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Institute. From LGA’s Kevin Haeboom Vollmers:

I have great respect for PBS, but it dropped the ball with this interview. You should have invited professionals who are adoptees to discuss this topic because adoptees consider the kids and teens who have been rehomed as “their people.” Would PBS only invite white individuals if it was talking about an issue that impacted the African American community? I think not. PBS also should have challenged Adam Pertman because, in many respects, individuals like him who have held the microphone in adoption are very much to blame for not bringing to light adoption rehoming, disruptions, and dissolutions to light earlier.

Read the whole Land of Gazillion Adoptees’ post here.

LGA also posted the following insightful information from the highly credentialed therapist (and Korean adoptee) Melanie Chung-Sherman, about disruptions, dissolutions, and re-homing, all issues that are not news to her (unlike to some adoption professionals):

Disruption–the legal termination of an adoption prior to finalization in a court. Essentially, this termination can take place before a child has been legally adopted into a family–whether this is by the decision of the courts, placing agency, adoptive parents, or kinship family. Most of the time, the child has been placed in a home study-approved adoptive home prior to finalization in court–exceptions can be made for kinship placements within the birth family or step-parent relationships in which a child may already be living in the home. This term has been used interchangeably with dissolution, but it is different. Under disruption definitions, in most states, the child was never formally adopted and therefore name changes, birth certificates, and legal parental privilege was never officially/legally granted.

Dissolution–the legal termination of an adoption following finalization in a court of law. This occurs when adoptive parents or the courts decide to terminate parental rights of an adoptee. The adoptee is either placed into another home study approved family by legal adoption OR returned to state care through CPS or DCFS. Adoptive families are no longer legally responsible for the care of that child. However, many children may still carry the legal name of their adoptive family on their birth certificate unless they are adopted into another family or petition a name change. This creates additional difficulty in adequately tracking the number of legally recognized dissolutions because the names have been changed from the original court petition–or in many cases, there have been jurisdictional changes since finalization. There are many courts that are now requiring families who dissolve adoptions to pay for child support/foster care until the child is 18 years old.

Power of Attorney–Since Reuters dropped The Child Exchange there has been some confusion regarding POAs and legal custody. It should be noted that a POA is not legally binding in most states. A POA grants some authority of custodial needs such as medical care, educational decisions, and basic needs so long as the child is in his/her care. It does not replace the legal custody or legal transfer of parental rights to another which can only be completed in a court of law. Many law officials are unaware of this and thus may not question a POA. **It is important to note that there are many kinship placements (such as grandparents, step, and biological family members) that use POAs to ensure that they can care and raise a relative’s child when his/her bio parents cannot–and a child can maintain their biological connection to their first family. Not all POA use should be viewed as negative or with suspicion, but more needs to take place regarding universal regulation of its use–so it is not abused and officials/professionals know the questions to ask in order to recognize the difference.

Rehoming–It is dissolution and it isn’t. Rehoming is an underground, unregulated practice between two private parties (usually strangers) transferring permanent care of a child from one home to another without the legal requirements or regulations such as home studies, background checks, education, or monitoring. It is the unofficial termination of legal rights to a child and the rendering of assumed rights to another family; however, the originating/adoptive family never legally terminated rights (through the courts) and are still responsible for the overall well-being of that child. (This is where POAs have been utilized.) At this time, it is not considered “illegal,” but unethical unless there is substantiated abuse under state child abuse definitions (can vary in specificity from state to state).

So. News media looking for insights and information on adoption issues: Don’t ask me, don’t quote me–or other adoptive parents–until you have first talked to the real experts: adult adoptees, especially those (and they are legion) with extensive and impressive professional credentials.

Why I Write, And What Hana Never Got

Posted on July 28, 2013 by

If she were still alive, my mother would be celebrating her 84th birthday today, July 28. Mom died on Christmas Day 2003, from lung cancer, having never smoked in her life. I miss her terribly. Ten days, 10 years–it doesn’t matter. Her absence is felt. During her life, it was her presence that I and others treasured. She was a wonderful mother, imperfect of course, and I always knew her love for me was unconditional, even as she sometimes wondered at my choices.

Here’s Mom and me, some 55 years ago.

Here’s Mom with my Dad, on her last birthday in 2003, just before they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary August 8. Dad was a remarkable, humble, well-organized, selfless caregiver of Mom as she got sicker and sicker; lung cancer is a harsh disease.

Mom grew up in Massachusetts, the youngest of 4 girls. Her mother was strict, to the point of occasional cruelty. Mom was not that kind of mother. She had trouble conceiving and in carrying to term–I am an only child, and was loved beyond words. Yes, there was discipline in my childhood, but always with thoughtfulness and dignity.

When I left Massachusetts after high school to attend Georgetown University in Washington, DC, I now realize how hard that had to have been for my parents, letting go of their only child. They never expressed anything but support and encouragement to me. As a parent myself, watching my children grow up, graduate, take on life’s adventures–that’s what’s made me recognize what they must have gone through.

Deciding to adopt, and to adopt transracially, and later internationally–those are big life decisions, and grandparents are affected by them in a big way. Again, my parents expressed support and encouragement, never questioning our decisions, and welcoming each child with nothing but joy. Here’s my Dad with his first grandson, Sean, in 1987.

Keep in mind that my parents (and I) grew up in suburbs north of Boston. Diversity was a Polish-American family moving in next to the Italian-American family. Mom became a quiet but firm voice against bigotry at her bridge club. She loved my children as individuals, even as she became increasingly aware of the realities of racism in this country.

As this 1990 photo shows, Nana was a down-on-the-floor grandma, taking Legos and toy cars as seriously as her grandson Christopher did.

When we decided in 1994 to adopt twin 6-year-old girls from Ethiopia, my parents may well have wondered if we really knew what we were getting into. Besides their African-American grandsons, my parents knew only a few people of color, and certainly no Ethiopians. When they saw the referral photos from the adoption agency in 1994, they fell in love, and never looked back.

Here is one of Mom’s favorite photos of the 4 kids, taken in 1995 about 6 months after Adanech and Aselefech arrived. The kids were 8, 6, 5, and 6 years old at that time. The dog was a puppy.

Mom was an excellent shopper, and always got incredible bargains at Macy’s or Nordstrom’s, especially for Aselefech and Adanech, as she had done for me when I was growing up. She was lavish in sending gifts to each grandchild on their birthday–I’m talking about a big box with individually wrapped gifts, and a carefully selected card with a thoughtful message. This was true from the kids’ birthdays from age 1 through their teens. It was true of mine into my 40’s. We think of Mom on our birthdays, and today, on hers.

Aselefech became a mother herself in 2006. Oh, how my mother would have adored her smart, sweet, athletic, fun great-granddaughter.

Here’s Dad a couple of months ago, with his great-granddaughter. They truly have a special bond.

I first became a mother to my older son in 1987. I became a mom again in 1988 to my younger son, and then in 1994 to my twin daughters. I became a grandmother in 2006. Each one was a dream come true. We have had our fair share of sad, complex, troubled, dark days. And we have had so many more days that are light- and laughter-filled.

I write in this blog (and many other places) because becoming and being a mother means so much to me. I know that losses had to happen for my gain. I am a strong advocate for transparency and integrity in adoption. Were it not for adoption, with all its complexity, I likely would not have been a mother, and certainly not to these awesome, incredible children, now all young adults. They would not have known and loved my mother, who loved them so deeply and so well.

And this is also why, as an adoptive mother, I am attending the Williamses’ trial, and writing about it. I do not want that little Ethiopian girl, Hana Alemu, to be forgotten.

What, per my blog title, is it that Hana never got? She never got the chance to grow up, and the possibility to be a mother.

I do not take for granted that I had a mother who loved me. I do not take for granted that I am a mother, and a grandmother. Happy Birthday, Mom. I know you’ve got Hana under your wing. May you both rest in peace.

Adoptive Parents: It’s 2013. Do You Know Where Your Kids Are…Searching?

Posted on July 17, 2013 by

Long ago, the biggest issue facing many adoptive parents was how to tell their children they are adopted, and to help them process and understand that.That’s certainly still important. Parents have to be aware of developmental stages, of children’s questions and silences, and of how to share information appropriately.

The Very Big And Common Questions are these: Why was I adopted? Where is my birth mother now? Do I have brothers or sisters?

When sharing information with their children, adoptive parents, of children from the US or from anywhere in the world, can no longer rely solely on what was given to them by the adoption agency at the time of placement. That information may or may not be accurate, may or may not have been translated accurately, may or may not be complete, may or may not be outdated quickly.

It all becomes startlingly irrelevant in the face of the Internet: the gaping maw; the dark labyrinth; the source of information, rumors, unchecked lies. And perhaps your children’s main activity.

While lawmakers across this country continue to deny adopted adults their basic civil/human rights–access to their own birth certificates–plenty of people are searching and reuniting with their first families.

Adoptive parents should be with their children on the journey to search for first family. In the case of international adoptees, traveling to the country of origin is hardly the only way to learn one’s story. Parents should be offering to assist, letting their child guide them, but being responsible, aware parents. This is most important during pre-teens and teenage years, when kids are knowledgeable about Internet use, wondering about their past, and struggling to figure out their identity. Some kids won’t want to search; some won’t be ready. And some will be searching on their own.

A few realities:

* As an adoptive parent, you have some control over what your child does on the Internet. Short of denying access at all, you will likely not have complete control. And if you deny access at home, your clever child can easily access the Internet in the library or at a friend’s house or on a friend’s phone. So learn and monitor and talk about it. A lot.

* Your child could easily be contacted by members of his or her birth family. This is an increasingly common occurrence. Your child may well have Internet-agile siblings in other parts of the country or world.

* Secrecy in adoption has never really helped anyone. We don’t need a new spin on this of adopted children (teenagers, young adults) secretly searching and lying about it. We need parents who partner with and support their children on this complex journey.

* Surprises are also not usually a goal in an adoptive search, though they are often an element. They make reunions even more complicated. The decision to search should be done thoughtfully, transparently, and patiently–and with loved ones helping out.

* Once people find each other, which can happen quickly, that’s nowhere near an end. It’s an enormous, complicated beginning. No one should be alone for that either, especially a young person.

There are approximately a zillion resources available for searching. Facebook, Google, and Tumblr are the most obvious, and probably the most common. Here are some other sites.

An excellent starting point is PACT: An Adoption Alliance. Here is their terrific list of resources for search and reunion.

An overview of search and reunion issues is on adoption.com.

International Soundex Reunion Registry This is a mutual consent registry–both parties have to register for a connection to be made. If the birth parent has registered here, it’s possible to make a quick connection.

Another source is the American Adoption Congress. They have extensive information about adoption reform, including facilitating reunification with birth family. AAC has state reps who can help navigate the state laws that control access to birth records (the laws vary for every state).

There’s a group called Adoptees in Search that’s based in Colorado; much of the info is about Colorado, but their site has additional information.

This site G’s Adoption Registry has information about “Search Angels,” folks who volunteer their time and skills to assist people searching for birth relatives. They usually work for free. Some are astonishingly knowledgeable and helpful; it can be a mixed bag.

Parents can and should look into some of the DNA services. If you or your child take a basic DNA test, the data can be included in a huge database, and it is possible to connect with (previously unknown) relatives. Of course, there are a lot of considerations in doing this. I wrote t his blog post recently that gives further information and resources.

And if you think the power of Facebook in America is a big deal, have you looked at social media around the globe? Heard of VK? According to Wikipedia:

VK (Originally VKontakte, Russian: ВКонтакте, literally “in contact”) is the biggest social network service in Europe, it is available in several languages but popular particularly among Russian-speaking users around the world, especially in Russia, Ukraine, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Moldova, Belarus, and Israel. Like other social networks, VK allows users to message contacts publicly or privately, create groups, public pages and events, share and tag images, audio and video, and play browser-based games.

As of December 2012, VK has at least 195 million accounts. VK is…the second most visited website in Russia. In December 2012 VK had an average of 43 million daily users.

I know of adoptive parents of Russian-born children who have searched and located birth family members via VK. I know of adoptees who have been contacted by siblings, some known about previously, some not. Translation services abound on the Internet, so it’s possible to easily send messages even without knowing another language.

I’d guess that the VK model will become more prevalent in other hemispheres as well.

It’s a small world. Live in it with eyes wide open. Be with your children on their journey.

Oversharing About Adoption on the Internet

Posted on July 16, 2013 by

I’m looking forward to Thursday’s CHSFS webinar on privacy issues around adopted children’s stories on the Internet. Registration and other details are available here. Please join Aselefech and me (July 18, noon-1pm Central US, 10am Pacific US, 1pm eastern US, 8pm Ethiopia and FInland, 2am Korea.) Don’t see your time zone listed here? Check out a World Time Map. I love maps.

We’ve thought a lot about this topic, my daughter/co-presenter and I. We have finished the PowerPoint, and a couple of slides are included here. Sneak preview. There is so much to talk about and think about. It’s going to be a lively conversation.

It’s complicated, but some things seem clear.

If you are not able to join us, CHSFS will have the recorded webinar available. I wrote about the webinar previously here.

I plan to write further about the subject as well, because there are volumes to say about what, how much, and with whom adoptive parents should share information on the Internet–especially if the information belongs to an adopted child, who grows up to be an adult.

Privacy in Adoption: Sacred Cow or Tired Scapegoat?

Posted on July 12, 2013 by

Next Thursday, July 18, Aselefech (my daughter, Ethiopian adoptee, young adult) and I will present a webinar titled “Whose Story Is This? Protecting Your Child’s Privacy.” Details and registration are available here; the webinar is being provided as an educational event by Children’s Home Society and Family Services.

We will be talking about how, when, and whether parents should share their adopted child’s story. In the course of researching and preparing, I’m reminded at every turn about how the Internet and social media have changed everything in adoption, certainly since I adopted my children 20+ years ago, and indeed within the last 10 minutes.

The notion of “privacy” (sharing information only with those to whom it is relevant) seems quaint, if not archaic, in the context of Internet.

In adoption, there was a time when the prevailing wisdom was that children (mostly placed same race, as infants) didn’t need even to be told they were adopted. Transracial adoption, open adoption, and better awareness of adoptees’ rights have changed all that. The pendulum of social media has swung so heavily that now prospective parents post on-line regularly looking for babies, adoptees (somewhat) easily find their first family on-line, and adoptive parents blog in great detail about their adoption process, their family, and their children’s history and issues.

One study I came across said that 92% of children in the US have an Internet presence before the age of 2. Wow.

Of course, it’s not just parents promoting their children via photos and cute stories. The kids are following Mom and Dad’s example. The Sesame Workshop/Joan Ganz Cooney Center published a report in 2011 that 25% of all 3 year olds go on-line daily. By age 8, close to 70% of children use the Internet any given weekday. Some 50% of children age 6-9 are online daily. I realize much of that time is spent on games and apps, but as the child grows, that changes.

In my anecdotal experience, 100% of teenagers are on-line (texting, sexting, chatting, Tumblring, Instagramming, FaceBooking) 100% of the time.

Given these realities–that everything has the potential to be shared with everyone, around the globe, to infinity and beyond–how much privacy should an adopted child have regarding his/her story? How much sharing by adoptive parents is too much?

But the real question may be this: Whose needs are being met?

In the webinar, Aselefech and I will talk about that question, plus the statistics and some real-life (if you consider the Internet real-life) examples.

Here is one I am mulling over; there are dozens of similar posts on-line. An adoptive parent has a public blog, and posts about an 8-year-old child. The child’s multiple mental health diagnoses, medications, and disturbing behaviors are described. Reaction to the posting is mixed: some people are hugely supportive and grateful, some people are outraged and saddened. The parent says the child gave consent and permission to share the story. The parent posted the child’s story in an effort to remove the stigma of mental illness, and to encourage other families to seek help and know they are not alone. If the subject were cancer or autism, would the criticism have been as strong?

I struggle with the notion of whether a young child can genuinely give consent: maybe the child wanted to please the parent, and agreed without really knowing what the disclosure of personal information could mean, especially in the future. It’s within the legal rights of parents to share whatever information they want about their children, but there is a moral or ethical element to consider as well. As my mom used to say, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.” There is no question that many people were grateful for the blog’s openness, and supported the writer fully. I question whether a child’s privacy should be sacrificed to help strangers–that seems to me to be the dilemma.

A few final thoughts: There is no such thing as privacy on the web. Not even in “closed” or “secret” Facebook groups. Can you say “screen shot”?

Whatever you post lives on for at least 7 years, or, more likely, forever.

A survey by GuardChild.com reported that 52% of the girls surveyed could read their parents’ email. which suggests that an equal percentage does so. Passwords matter, parents.

And so does privacy.

My thanks go to Cindy Rasicot for her insights and ideas about all this.

Hana Alemu Trial

Posted on July 7, 2013 by

Hana Alemu (Williams)

In 2 weeks, if all goes according to schedule, the trial of Larry and Carri Williams, adoptive parents (and alleged murderers) of Hana Alemu (Hannah Williams) will take place: Monday, July 22, 2013, at 9am at the Skagit County Courthouse in Mount Vernon, Washington.

Jury selection will probably take 2 or 3 days, so the opening statements might begin on Wednesday July 24 or Thursday July 25. Additionally, there is a meeting among the lawyers scheduled for July 16, for last minute maneuvering. As I hear any news, I will post an update.

Please spread the word encouraging others to attend this trial if at all possible. I plan to be there, to bear witness for Hana, in the hope that justice will be served.

For background information, please see my previous posts Update on Hana Alemu, On Mother’s Day, and In Remembrance of Hana.

The Williamses are accused of homicide by abuse: this charge means that they caused Hana’s death (May 12, 2011) due to a pattern or practice of abuse or torture. It’s apparently a difficult charge to prove, as a jury must believe beyond a reasonable doubt that a pattern of torture or abuse existed, and that the pattern caused Hana’s death. If the Williamses are found guilty, the average sentence is 23 years.

The Williamses are also accused of 2 other crimes. One is first degree assault on Immanuel, the other Ethiopian child they adopted. The charge means that they caused him serious bodily harm.

While much attention has rightly been placed on Hana’s death, Immanuel was certainly a victim here as well. May we all keep him in our hearts. What that child has apparently been through–terrible abuse by his adoptive parents, as well as witnessing Hana’s abuse and death–is wrenching. He will likely be called to testify at the trial. I have heard he is doing well in his foster home, where his foster mother is deaf (as is Immanuel) and is teaching him sign language in a safe environment. I wish him healing, strength, and justice.

The other criminal charge against the Williamses is first degree manslaughter of Hana, which means recklessly causing her death. That carries a sentence of 7.5 years.

I’m not a lawyer. It’s been over 2 years since Hana died, and the trial is only happening now. Her body has been exhumed and reburied. No doubt there have been dozens of meetings and hearings and other legal actions. No one knows what the outcome of the trial will be. We can hope for justice for Hana. Whatever happens, we will not forget her.

And let’s remember Immanuel always as well.

Sibling Connections in Adoption

Posted on July 4, 2013 by

That’s my 26 year old son Sean with Genet Tsegay, Miss Ethiopia 2012/13, in a photo taken recently in SIlver Spring, Maryland. Sean has found his way into many photos with beautiful women. The icebreaker between these two, though, might have been different from his usual (not that I truly have any idea what “the usual” might be lol). For this meeting, it might have been something like “Hey, my sisters are from Ethiopia,” and maybe a conversation would have started around the not immediately obvious connection between these two young people from very different places.

One of the areas I find most fascinating in adoption is one that needs more research: siblings. I have no siblings. I have four adopted children; my twin daughters are biologically related. Our family has had many conversations along the way about the fact that all the kids are adopted. They’ve wondered what it would be like to be in a blended family, where some children were the biological children of the parents. They could all share their experiences of “He’s not your real brother?” and “She’s your sister?”

My Ethiopian daughters have reconnected with their 5 older Ethiopian siblings. So my daughters have four brothers, but the way they connect is very different at this point. For one thing, they don’t really share a common language with their Ethiopian siblings, and that’s a big deal. My sons have not explored any biological siblings, but sInce they were adopted in the US, we know they share a common language. How they would differ from their biological siblings (if any) in terms of childhood, economics, education, religion–it’s hard to say right now.

As an African-American young man, Sean has known racism and discrimination–as well as solid community, love from family and friends of different races, and the ability to travel in many cultures, because of his own (adoptive) family. He shares race with his sisters and brother. Believe me, there have been many conversations around skin tones, stereotyping, the travails of being asked “What are you?” especially while growing up, when my children of different shades didn’t fit neatly into a category, particularly when one or both of their white adoptive parents was on the scene. Adoption can be complicated, and transracial adoption adds another layer of complexity.

I’ve known families with bio kids who adopt, and then see how the newly adopted child changes their home life in unimaginable ways, not all positive, and wonder if they did the right thing for their bio child.

I’ve known adoptive families with one adopted child of color, who stands out vividly in family photos. That difference can promote feelings of incredible isolation and difficulties with identity, though I’ve known parents who work to empower children around their uniqueness.

I’ve known adopted children who wonder about their bio siblings, older or younger, who were not adopted, who stayed with the first mother. That has a poignancy all its own.

I’ve known siblings with no biological connection who are deeply connected, the lack of common blood making no difference.

My son Sean would probably have found a way to chat with Mss Ethiopia, but the fact that he has two Ethiopian sisters created an easy connection. Miss Ethiopia is from the Tigray region of Ethiopia, a college student, studying architecture–in her own way, perhaps also challenging stereotypes. I don’t know how much she and Sean chatted about his sisters–prolly not a whole lot. I love the fact that we can make wonderful connections sometimes, when we don’t expect to. And I hope that we continue to have conversations about siblings, race, and adoption.

Adoptive Moms Speaking Out: The Perfect Storm, The Paradigm Shift

Posted on June 30, 2013 by

There is great change occurring in the world of adoption and adoption policy. I mentioned some of them in my perfect storm discussion about Standards of Parents for Adoptive Parents. Margie Perscheid, my friend and also a wonderful person and talented writer, has a blog called Paradigm Shift, and has written an important post called Lead, Follow, Or Get Out Of The Way.

Like me, Margie is an adoptive parent; her children are from Korea. Like my children (who are from the US and Ethiopia), hers are now young adults. (Also, Margie and I both graduated from Georgetown University. Hoya Saxa.)

We both believe in adoption, and we are both troubled about adoption policy today. We both have seen a lot of changes and perhaps a bit of light over the years (decades) in which we raised our children. We are nice white ladies (I’m a grandma!) with really strong feelings about transparency and integrity in adoption practice, about race, about rights, about diversity, about marginalization, and about the rights of first parents. There are more of us than you might think lol. Revolutionaries with great manicures.

Here are some other adoptive moms writing for and about change in adoption. I can’t vouch for their manicures, but I can tell you they are insightful, discerning advocates for effective, respectful, transparent adoption practices.

Karen Benally’s site: Stories of Transnational Adoptees and Their American Parents. The site’s goal: promoting and facilitating dialogue between adoptees and their parents. Karen and her (adult Korean adopted) daughter, Lisa Charlie de Morais Teixeira, “are collecting survey data from a large sample and combining it with oral histories gathered from both adoptive parents and adult adoptees so that we can hear, compare, and combine those varying perspectives. Our goal is to open up a meaningful dialogue among and between adoptees and their adoptive parents on issues related to transnational adoption.”

Note: Along with many other adoptive parent-adult international adoptee pairs, my daughter Aselefech and I participated in this study. Karen interviewed me; Lisa interviewed Aselefech. The interviews took place separately. The questions covered race, identity, parenting, school, home and community life, and of course adoption. I don’t know how our answers will compare, but I feel certain that this study (to be published in a book) will be groundbreaking and hugely valuable.

Terra Trevor is mixed blood Western Band Cherokee, Delaware and Seneca, and is a contributing author of 10 Books. Her memoir, Pushing up the Sky, is widely anthologized with an excerpt included in Children of the Dragonfly: Native American Voices on Child Custody and Education. She explores themes of motherhood, race, culture, community, transracial adoption, raising a child with a life threatening illness, and the process of healing from the death of a child. She writes “from the perspective of a woman who has experienced a complicated motherhood, and straddles a complex ethnic and racial heritage.”

Cindy Rasicot’s site: Talking Heart to Heart. Cindy has a young adult son adopted from Paraguay. Her site is an online community that supports adoptive parents and adopted teens and young adults, particularly those involved with international adoption. It is intended to be a safe, grounded place for questions, listening, thoughtful discussions.

Adoptive parents hold most of the power in the adoption community. We can and should use that power in a new way today, to speak not *for* adoptees, but *along with* adoptees, and along with first parents, on issues like original birth certificates, access to medical histories, citizenship, the marginalization of birth/first parents, the realities of race, the need for improved post-adoption services for everyone, and more.

Burning and Building Bridges: A Korean Adoptee Returns to Korea

Posted on June 29, 2013 by

A powerful story from the New York Times about a writer, activist, adoptee: read it here.

South Korea is widely regarded as the country that began international adoptions, in the late 1950’s. There are now hundreds of thousands of adult Korean adoptees, all around the globe. The voices, writing, and activism of Korean adult adoptees are particularly significant, given their numbers and ages, and are the face of the future for other countries involved in international adoption.

Jane Jeong Trenka a adopted from South Korea as a baby in 1972, and raised in Minnesota. She struggled with racism growing up, as well as a hefty amount of mis-information about the realities of her origins and reasons for adoption. In the mid-90’s, she traveled to Korea, reunited with her birth mother, and learned many truths. Over the next several years, she wrote two memoirs, connected with other Korean adoptees, and moved permanently to Korea.

Jane Jeong Trenka http://www.minnpost.com/sites/default/files/asset/9/92c7ij/92c7ij.jpg

She is widely credited with being a pivotal force behind recent legislation to reduce the number of adoptions from Korea by providing increased protections for single mothers to keep and raise their children, and by promoting more adoptions within Korea. Jane is currently the president of TRACK, Truth and Reconciliation for the Adoption Community of Korea. Here’s a part of TRACK’s Mission Statement:

TRACK is an organization advocating full knowledge of past and present Korean adoption practices to protect the human rights of adult adoptees, children, and families. We belief that birth families and adoptees need rights, recognition, and reconciliation with society in order to fully contribute to a strong Korean society.

Now 41, Jane has learned to speak Korean. Her birth mother passed away in 2000. The New York Times article quotes her as saying South Korea is her “unrequited love,” and Jane is living out that complexity now in her country of origin, speaking out, insisting on transparency and accountability. She’s controversial, insightful, effective. And along with other adoptees, she’s making huge changes, not just in South Korea, but in the world of adoption.

Summer Reading

Posted on June 29, 2013 by

As we move here in the US toward the Fourth of July holiday, I hope you are all keeping up with your Summer Reading List. I was one of those kids who loved that list of required reading over the summer–and we get to write reports about the books too? Yay!

The Washington Post has a great list of favorite books of their foreign correspondents for 2013. I share it here because it may be of interest in particular to international adoptees and to parents of internationally adopted children, but really it’s a fascinating list for anyone. The recommendations include books about Syria, India, North Korea, Jerusalem, China, Russia, and more.

The 2012 List is great too. Among the selections are these:

Recommended by: Sudarsan Raghavan, Africa bureau chief, who says this about the book: “It’s a wonderfully reported and written profile of Ethiopian dictator Haile Selassie’s last days, from the point of view of his servants, aides and others close to him. The book is considered one of the 20th century’s best works of nonfiction literary journalism. It’s a must-read for anyone who wants to understand Africa.”

And how about this one?

Recommended by: William Booth, Mexico, Central America and the Caribbean bureau chief. “I am delightfully shocked to learn the sublime Mexico City taco as I know and love it — a shave of pork from twirling spit, made happy with onion and cilantro (y por favor señor! that chunk of pineapple) — only dates back to the 1950s. Of course, wrapping something in a tortilla is as old as tortillas, though they didn’t call them tacos.”

And this one is absolutely a must-read:

This is me speaking now, not a foreign correspondent lol: Behind the Beautiful Forevers is a beautifully written book about India–its incredible poverty, and its astonishing potential. A challenging, well-worth-it kind of book.

Not on either of these lists is the newest novel by the brilliant Afghan-born American novelist Khaled Hosseini, And The Mountains Echoed. (He also wrote The Kite Runner and A Thousand Splendid Suns.) Mountains has something of an adoption-related theme, in that one of the main characters was essentially trafficked, as a toddler, by her family, to a wealthier, childless couple, who never told her the truth of her origins. When Pari is a middle-aged adult, she re-connects with her family. In talking with a relative about her realization of what had happened to her, she says “You say you felt a presence, but I sensed only an absence. A vague pain without a source. I was like the patient who cannot explain to the doctor where it hurts, only that it does.”

To me, that sums up the poignancy of the adoption journey.

I hope your summer time is one of rejuvenation and adventure, and one that includes lots of good books. Library cards are free. Enjoy.

Light of Day Stories

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